Painful Option

Please misplace her, please disgrace her
Can you give her one last taste
Of the grace I have to give her?

Know not of whom I beg
To make her finally see
I'm alone in all of this
Should I just call it quits?
Effort taken for nothing
Not a thing is returned
And I am lost with only
One painful option

I'm down, down on my knees
The man in me smashed to smithereens
Nothing seems to work for me
Nothing seems to work for me
Nothing seems to work for me
Incidence got the best of me

Who can give her one last taste
Of the grace I have to give her?

Tears of frustration
Must bring a quick end
This connection I felt
In her is severing
The veins to my heart
Are painfully tearing
So I am left with only
One painful option

Who can give her one last taste
Of the grace I have to give her?
Who can help me bare her truth
Of the person I can be to her?

I'm left with only one option
And I am too deep in tune
To change for myself
The wavelengths I've felt
Were like nothing ever before
I beg to know what to do
So I am left with only
One painful option

But what is it?

I'm down, down on my knees
The man in me smashed to smithereens
Nothing seems to work for me
Nothing seems to work for me
Nothing seems to work for me
Incidence got the best of me

Please misplace her, please disgrace her
Can you give her one last taste
Of the grace I have to give her?
Can you help me bare her truth
Of the person I can be to her?

What am I to do, when the love you felt seemed so true?

Our Rose Hearts

The glowing hearts of millions
Inkling away into nothing more than
Paper-thin abstract cuts
Once veiled things now shadows
Of the former things we all have been
A side to us all only left unseen
Come the day that we wake up and smell
The roses that we burn or sell
Tap into inner strengths numbed by time
The roses of our hearts will flourish again

We kill what we don't understand
We fear what we don't know
We swear by the comfortable and the seemingly safe
We revere false rewards and grandstanding lies
So much for being so fucking great

We need to erase our fear of the unknown
We need to grow out of our eternal childishness
We seem to be on the right path sometimes
We breathe for something great but can't yet grasp
It is evolution we so sorely need

The few and the far between hide and think
Truly grasping the balance of all things
When will we all stop and see
The bountiful things that we all can be
So come today when we wake up and smell
The roses that we burn or sell
Realize we're capable of great deeds
The roses of our hearts will flourish again

Where's the "great nurturer" of life?
Where's the vast rewards we recite?
Blight on the mind all these painstaking lies
We need a healthy change for all time

Come the day when we wake up and smell
The roses that we burn or sell
Tap into inner strengths numbed by time
The roses of our hearts will flourish again
Flourish again, flourish again

Our black rose hearts
Will redden once more
Flourish again, flourish again
The roses of our hearts will flourish again

Someone To Hold Me Close

Love is lost for the outcast in me
Driven aback by society
Times are telling of my dear end
An end which will leave me empty
If you bare an angel may you send?
Spare me, save me
Spare me, release me
I know not of angels
The guardians of life's gold
Or their mere presence
Nor the heavenly essence
There's just inhumanity
And unjust cruelty
If you bare an angel may you send?
Spare me, save me
Spare me, release me
I need something to light my way
Before I melt away lost in time
Spare me, save me
Spare me, release me
I need someone to hold me close
A hand I can reach to in dire times
Does my voice lend
To any privy ears
I'm a lost cause
Starving for love
Do my eyes meet
Any compassionate sight
I'm a lost soul
Starving for love
Spare me, save me
Spare me, release me
I need something to light my way
Before I melt away lost in time
Spare me, save me
Spare me, release me
I need someone to hold me close
A hand I can reach to in dire times
I've felt the pain
For way too long
Of loneliness and emptiness
Haunting my every waking days
I see you there
Can you be my vessel of love?
Can you reinvigorate me?
You may just be my goddess
If you are an angel may you send?
Spare me, save me
Spare me, release me
I need something to light my way
Before I melt away lost in time
Spare me, please save me
Spare me, please release me
I need someone to hold me close
A hand I can reach to in dire times
Your hand lights my heart
May you please never depart
'Cause you saved me
You reinvigorated me

Converge
Jane Doe

"The album's lyrical themes were born out of a dissolving relationship and the emotional fallout from that experience. - Jacob Bannon"

1. Concubine
2. Fault and Fracture
3. Distance and Meaning
4. Hell to Pay
5. Homewrecker
6. The Broken Vow
7. Bitter and then Some
8. Heaven in her Arms
9. Phoenix in Flight
10. Phoenix in Flames
11. Thaw
12. Jane Doe

Total Play Time: 49 Minutes (approx.)

Where to begin? How else can I review such a masterpiece as this? I must do this album full justice somehow. Well, I'll try by starting with the first track...
"Concubine" is an intimidating opener. The breakdown at the beginning beckons a sonic assault that will immediately hit you, hard and mercilessly. The grindcore-esque ferocity of the drums and guitars doesn't let up. Then, after a wonderful slap of the drums, the short-lived intensity of the song comes in full circle. You will immediately notice the inhuman vocal style of Jacob Bannon. He sounds like a really pissed off King Crimson. And with the story of the album in question, rightfully so.
The next track, "Fault and Fracture", doesn't stop to help you gather your wits. Converge is trying to blow you away, and if you were open-minded enough to keep going after the short introductory track, then this will do the exact same thing to you. It's twice as long as "Concubine", but that makes it all the more ferocious. The whole band works like an orchestra from hell, and it makes for stunning effect.
The next several tracks don't change much, but they set you up for a little breathing room. There are instances of clean vocals that come from Kurt Ballou, as Jacob Bannon is a self-professed "abrasive vocalist." Then a duo of songs come into play, "Phoenix in Flight" and "Phoenix in Flames", respectively. They are, of course, further sonic exploits intended to keep you interested and on the edge of your seat. The aggression is meant to tell a chaotic love story, after all.
And then, after the strange timings present on the 11th track, "Thaw" (which is probably why they have been given the label, "Mathcore"), you are presented with, what is to me, the most emotionally charged song that I've ever heard in my life. I don't want to ruin it with details; you'll have to listen to believe. But, one can only do bare justice to it by describing it as an "emotionally tinged, relentlessly aggressive, sonically delivered opera into the mind of a man recovering from a traumatic and devastating relationship with a woman." The song closes the album quite properly, and you could not ask for anything better.
Now, many fans of Converge are split on this album. It seems to be that this was the turning point for the band, in style and sound. There is the "classic" Converge camp that prefers the sound that led to this album, and there is the "Current" Converge camp that prefers this album and onwards. However, "Axe to Fall", their latest album, is said to be a slight departure from everything they have done (however, they maintain their trademark ferocity in parts of the album). So what do you prefer? This album, or the band in general, is not for everyone. J. Bannon's vocal style is insane and in-your-face, something many people will not be able to stomach. But for those of you who can tolerate such vocals, and even the chaotic nature of their overall sound, or those of you who can put aside the overall insanity that they produce in their sound, then you're up for a thrilling ride either way. It is now one of my favourite albums, and rightfully so.
And look at that artwork by Jacob Bannon...it describes the story of the album (lyrics) perfectly. A woman you've tried so hard to love, but because of the pain and misery you both went through, you only hope to forget. The story in the album tells tale of an anachronism, but the album as a piece of music, should never be treated as such.

9.2/10

Breakdown:
- Insane vocal stylings from Jacob Bannon, that are executed appropriately for the tone that the album is meant to portray.
- Wonderful album artwork. It's dark, it's hateful, it's metaphorical, and overall, starkly poetic. It's the creation of a man in touch with all of his emotions, all sparked from a woman he'd rather forget than remember.
- Album is inconsistent, but keeps you on your heels. The lack of consistency actually keeps the album refreshing, which is necessary to keep the listener interested until the very end.
- Standout tracks such as, "Concubine", "Fault and Fracture", "Bitter and then Some", "Phoenix I & II", and the epitomical closer, "Jane Doe", all keep the album interesting.
- Relatively solid musicianship all around.
- Can be overwhelming at times.
- Must be in the mood to be able to handle this brutal, bitter, and intense album to be able to thoroughly enjoy it.

G

Don't Live Life So Dark

You burn for charge
Heart of steel melting
Mending the ways destroyed
Flex your greatest desires
Accept the defeats
That the journey will bring
Exercise wise humility
Clear the storm
That you create
Out of fear and control

Marching down the road
Blind to hopes and dreams
Laugh, live, love
And smile effortlessly
Acceptance
Resplendence
Don't live life so dark

Tailor it all to your liking
You'll always happen on suffering
If you let it be that way
Mark your own words
For they are not infallible
Pressing you on, must handle
With all your might and wits about you

See the road ahead
It splits and there's no end
Only if you give up
The road ahead will stop

Marching down the road
Blind to hopes and dreams
Laugh, live, love
And smile effortlessly
Acceptance
Resplendence
Don't live life so dark

Just dance, dance
Know you've got no other chance
Just sing, sing
Know that you can make your own way
Sing...sing...dance the darkness away and sing

It's all in your hands!

Marching down the road
Blind to hopes and dreams
Laugh, live, love
And smile effortlessly
Acceptance
Resplendence
Don't live life so dark

Heed the cyborg's words!

Rain

Night
The rain
Shining
Afterglow
Drenching
On-comers
Grief
Takes them
Thesis
Stands
So bleak
And I
Stand
Alone
Just
Like night
The night
Before
Last
Future
Empty
And I
Stand
Alone
Just
Like night
The night
Before last
Things stood
In same
Place
Meager
Alone
Just
Like last night
I stand here
Alone
Just like
Last night
Save me

You Bleed Black

I'll pick up my bones
Which you've picked apart
And be on my way
To give myself a new start
I've seen love there
But I saw more of the hate
I must get away
While you rot away in this state
Gather yourself
Gather your wits about you
Get together
Live together with yourself
I suffered from the fallout
Of the pain you feel
Understanding is all I sought
And nothing was real
There was nothing real between us
No, only a charade
Consider me a thorn if you must
I'm only a memory
It is you who rots away in this state
Gather yourself
Gather your wits about you
Get together
Live together with yourself
The roots of the problem
Lie within you
Nourish your roots
And you'll bloom beautifully
As of now
You bleed black
A sad black heart
...a sad black heart

Welcome Driver (From Hell) Intro

Welcome Driver
Welcome Back
(repeat x3)

Tear me away, tear out my heart
I'm a sour thing, indulge in your bloodlust
Beast from the netherworld you rose up
Do to me what you do the best
Feast on my heart & soul, I want out
I want out

Under power, you seek me, for pleasure
Sedate your hunger with my anger
Before I take it out
On the world amongst us
Before I fade out with time
As my life is just rust

Welcome Driver
Welcome Driver
Welcome Driver
Welcome Driver
Welcome Back
From Hell

Deceitful

I am done

I've tried to help you
My hands reached out
I helped you be more than you are
I helped you do more than you could yourself
And all there is to show for it
Is malice and scorn

Your life is a lie
Punishment as crime
Where did we go wrong
Now I feel I am done
What did I do wrong
You allowed this to come

And now I'm done

Sever our ties
Every second that I feel them I break down
I've tried and tried
Yet you've lied to lie
I've tried to understand
I've tried to give another chance
To leave me tired and worn

Your life is a lie
Punishment as crime
Where did we go wrong
Now I feel I am done
What did I do wrong
You allowed this to come

Your life is a lie
Punished me for no crime
When did things go wrong
I feel I am done
What did we do wrong
You allowed this to come

And now I'm done
Done with you
Done with the lies
Done with the cries
Done with the knives
Punished me for so long

You allowed this to come

Confianza

I Say no to lust
Yet to you I am a monster
I only bare one mask to you
And still I am unworthy
There's no trust
You lack trust
I shamble along, waiting
Thinking all that's good of you
But I am cast aside
Even though you are my pride
Because there's no trust
You feel distrust
I gave my all
And for what remains
I feel accomplished, yet
Ungratefully so, you never
Ever seem to notice
Because you don't trust
You have no trust
I lie here in vain
What you feel brings me pain
You hold me with disdain
And it is my soul which you drain
There's no trust
You lack trust

For you I felt trust
And you broke it
Confianza, ido

Vindicated/Sparkle of Tears

So you're done, you are done with me
Cast me out on my own
Played with my head, fucked around with me
Left me alone to drown
Took my heart, took my heart and killed it
So that I cannot live
Made me beg, made me beg forgiveness
What the hell did I do?!

Silent I'm caught without a clue
Never knew that you were so through
All of those times, what the hell did I do?!
Left me to die in the cold
Left me to die in this blistering wind
You cast me out

I'm not privy, not privy to my crimes
I plea for innocence
Took my heart, you took my heart away
And you crushed it alive
Had no trust, you had no trust to give
So you tested mine
I thought the love, I thought we loved each other
Then you cast me out

Silent I'm caught without a clue
Never knew that you were so through
All of those times, what the hell did I do?!
Left me to die in the cold
Left me to die in the blistering wind
You cast me out

What are the crimes I committed to receive
The vile contempt that you had for me
When you would lie and manipulate
I'd always cry in my mind's recesses!

Sparkle

I'd die inside when those sparkling tears
Ran down your face, your dear agony
Always destroyed me
Every time you would bleed
Deep down inside
I'd feel the pain take me away

The sparkle of your tears
WILL HAUNT ME FOR YEARS!

Silent I'm caught without a clue
Never knew that you were so through
All of those times, what the hell did I do?
Left me to die in the cold
Left me to die in the blistering wind
You cast me out
You cast me out
You cast me out
You cast me out

Sparkle...(sparkle of tears)

Viral Rape

Sickness encroaching on all forms of life
Destroying everything clean
It's a rape of everything that you know
Viral rape marauding
Smell the remains of the messy dead
Pulverize the senses
Desecration of everything that you know
Viral rape out of control

It's a disaster, it's a disaster
All our lives are in danger
We don't stand a chance
Viral rape destroys your senses

Hardly stopping in it's path of vengeance
Bred to kill everything of light
It's a rape of everything that you know
Viral rape marauding
Suffer slow death in pain overtaking
Such a grueling ordeal
Desecration of everything that you know
Viral rape out of control

It's a disaster, it's a disaster
All our lives are in danger
We don't stand a chance
Viral rape destroys your senses

No one's left, no one's left, no one's left, no one's left...
All are dead, all is lost, all are dead, all is lost...

Rape everything that you know
No one's left, no one's left
Viral rape gone out of control
All is lost, all are dead

DEAD!

It's a disaster, it's a disaster
All our lives are in danger
We don't stand a chance
Viral rape destroys your senses
It's a disaster, it's a disaster
All our lives are in danger
We don't stand a chance
Viral rape destroys your senses

No one's left, all is lost, all are dead...

Toxic

You're toxic, you touch me, I'll burn
Infect me, you're a wreck, I'll stay put
Stay away, sit and wish all that you can
I'll stay put, and stay away from you
You're toxic

Mark on my head, mind's full of dread
Your toxicity will be the end of me
I know your burning surface will cool
Until then I will stay away from you
You're toxic

Burn my flesh and make a wish
Will I be here?
Stay away, and I'll stay put
Away from you
Burn my flesh but make a wish
I won't be here!

Sustain yourself and I'll bleed
I know you would like that
Why so poisonous these days?
I'm not the one with burning anger
You're toxic

Give me a moment of peace
So as to look back to the good days
Once a time ago your touch was sweet
Now I cringe to be struck in malice
You're toxic

Burn my flesh and make a wish
Will I be here?
Stay away, and I'll stay put
Away from you
Burn my flesh but make a wish
I won't be here!

As you burn away my mind races
Where has this hate stemmed from?
I once loved your touch in a better time
Why do I have to fear you every day?

You're toxic, you touch me, I'll burn
Infect me, you're a wreck, I'll stay put
Stay away, sit and wish all that you can
I'll stay put, and stay away from you
You're toxic

Burn my flesh and make a wish
Will I be here?
Stay away, and I'll stay put
Away from you
Burn my flesh but make a wish
I won't be here!

Toxic!

Why do you burn to the touch?
Where has this hate stemmed from?
Why do I have to fear you every day?
Do you ever wonder, will I be here?
You're toxic

Mind Over Matter Seems to Matter Most

I want a new path
One that's worth living
Kill that beast in me
Which has me slowly rotting

Bare to me fruits
Of wisdom today
Hurry I'm waiting
I am so starving

Power runs through me
But now that's dying
What am I to do
To keep myself from flipping

Bare to me fruits
Of wisdom today
Hurry I'm waiting
I am so starving

I'm so hungry and weak
The truth is tearing
At my mind and insides
Are you even listening?

Bare to me fruits
Of wisdom today
Hurry I'm waiting
I am so starving

Lock and key seals me
All of my making
What can I deliver
Is anyone even watching?

Bare to me fruits
Of wisdom today
Hurry I'm waiting
I am so starving

Ran away without a tune
My thoughts masquerading
As a saving grace
Nothing seems forgiving

Mind over matter seems to matter most
Yet I find myself always wishing
I'm in need of power and a voice
Or could I simply be dreaming?

Bare to me fruits
Of wisdom today
Hurry I'm waiting
I am so starving
Sing to me tunes
Of powerful voices
Hurry I'm waiting
I am starved

Willcrusher

Hammer me down!

You walk all over me again
I'm your happy doormat
How can you understand
If you never appreciate me?
I don't expect a reprimand
I don't even hold demands
I just want you to appreciate me
For who I am

Hammer me down!

Things go complicated
When I treat you the way you need
Took all that you wanted
Then you dispose me when not in need

Please

Listen to me when I speak
In my sincerity I need
To give you everything I can
Cut my will down if you must
I'm a human with so much trust
I have so much to give
And maybe as long as you live
You can't have me

Hammer me down!

Things go complicated
When I treat you the way you need
Took all that you wanted
Then you dispose me when not in need

Please

Can you not see what's there?
How much of my heart can you spare?
Why must you make this hard?
With you I am willing to go so far
But I can only go as long as I can
Before I have to make my choice

So...Hammer me down!

Things go complicated
When I treat you the way you need
Took all that you wanted
Then you dispose me when not in need
Things go complicated
When I treat you the way you need
Took all that you wanted
Then you dispose me when not in need
In your greed
Killing me

These Crying Eyes

All your infernal pleasures come to true life
In the form of punishments from your peers
You take and take and we give and give to you
See the reaction you get when you abuse us?
Lie for all life and you'll die without truth
What goes 'round comes 'round fully fits you

I'm are losing patience
I'm are making amends
With your spinal knives
So hateful with your lies
Which never end
Which never end
Liar!

Disappear your deception and you'll be resurrected
Too selfish to live amongst your fellows for our liking
Full months of destruction of friendships to spare
Yourself from a fictional wrath of our reaction
Where's this reaction that you so dearly fear?
If you knew us you'd have nothing to fear and maim!

I'm losing patience
I'm making amends
With your spinal knives
So hateful with your lies
Which never end
Which never end
Liar!

You killed me once
You'll kill me twice
Despite the love I offer you
You return to me with lies
YOU KILLED ME ONCE
YOU'LL KILL ME TWICE
DESPITE THE LOVE I OFFER YOU
YOU RETURN TO ME WITH LIES!

These crying eyes!

I'm losing patience
I'm making amends
With your spinal knives
So hateful with your lies
Which never end
Which never end
Which never end
Which never end
Liar!

Do you see these crying eyes!?
Took me for a fool despite my blessing!
You killed me once
You'll kill me twice
Look at my crying eyes!
And live your lies!

Liar!

Comes Right Back

Suckin' us dry, and fuckin' us blind, is the way of the powers towering in the sky.
Whores to the greedy and thorns to the needy, I fuckin' long for the day when things go even.
Tax pot, & dope shots; you make drugs your fuck toys while the youth gets shot.
Cold blooded lizards in chairs and suits, poisoning our trees and making us eat the same fruits.
All the long while they are suckin' us dry, and fuckin' us blind, all in style in denial (won't you mind?).
Enough with the blame game, you're all just the same; I see right through you so you're just fuckin' lame.
It's the same old shit every fuckin' day, "he says, she says" it's all just hearsay.
Fucking me over with finances gone cold turkey, one day they'll want me to bend right over easy.
But I'll resist, I've got news for you shits; I burn away ignorance while you live in your bliss.
Maybe some day this fucked up cycle will end, and no, you wishers, this won't be no fucking god-send.
Their navels, their javelins; my answers to government will rock their world, I bleed for empowerment.
Maybe it's time to go all-out, but I'm behind. So there ain't no limit to the show I'll mastermind. In time...
I'll stop them from suckin' us dry, and fuckin' us blind, and take out the powers towering in the sky.

Circle of Life

The circle of life
Beauty speaks in the trees
You're my circle of life
I see your beauty in my dreams
It's useless to demean
The beauty in you that I see
Calls to me
The circle of life
Beauty sings in the leaves
You're my circle of life
I know your beauty out of my dreams
I feel the pattern from you
Complete me
The circle of life
And you
Beautifully complete me
Your beauty speaks to me
Through the wind, trees, & leaves
The circle of life
Is all I wish to see

Paradise Is Here (Revision)

Waning, Nephthys is curiously waiting
To shackle my being, now my life is ending
My spark is dim, my mind is racing
Paradise is here, but now my life is ending

Death is a door
My life is hanging
Help me for
My life is hanging

Curious for more
My life is ending
Save me for
My life is ending

Am I not sincere?
Paradise is here
Am I not sincere?
Paradise is here

Pain takes over
My life is hanging
Help me for
My life is hanging

So much in store
My life is ending
Save me for
My life is ending

Am I not sincere?
Paradise is here
Am I not sincere?
Paradise is here

Nephthys is a whore
Nephthys is a whore
Taking it all away
Before it can be seen
My life is ending
Life I cannot feel
Paradise is here
Am I not sincere?

Death is a door
My life is hanging
Help me for
My life is hanging

Am I not sincere?
Paradise is here
Am I not sincere?
Paradise is here

So much left to feel
Paradise is here
So much left to feel
Paradise is here

Nephthys is a whore

Passionate Monstrosities: A Human Thing?

The caption in the title, preceding the colon, could be worded in a different way as well: Violent Reaction.

What is the point of the title? What is the point of this journal entry to come forth? Well, I'll tell you right now, it is about my observation of how people react to negativity. To be more specific, negative things such as injustices done unto others, murder, and other such interpersonal or social wrongdoings. Common sense states that heinous acts such as murder, rape, & other violent or deviant behavior at the cost of one others well-being is frowned upon. Usually, what follows such acts are punishments. It's a "what goes around, comes around" sort of deal. It's like we are all judges. Well, since we have consciences & (a rather shaky) ability to determine what's right & what's wrong, we pretty much all are.

But where are our standards? What I mean by this is that, say a person, regardless of the gender or ethnicity, murders TWO people. Respected or not locally, globally, or universally, the act of murder itself that the perpetrator committed is deemed heinous and unjust. Rightfully so, he/she took not just one life, but two lives away and they'll never come back. However, people will also react to the crime, and thus the criminal. What follows, usually, is stuff that could only make you think, "what actually separates the criminal from the 'innocent'?" Well, from my own observations, just one thing; Action. I see so many reactionaries, so many people who either witness or come across the telling of the crime by happenstance or word of mouth, spout violent, sadistic, almost creatively brutal vitriol that would probably make the murderer piss his/her pants in fear. While these people are merely spouting such disturbingly gruesome language about, what's the only thing that is stopping them? Well, they aren't acting on their emotions.

After all, MOST murders have an emotional factor to them. I won't quote any statistics, but I won't ignore them either, so don't bother looking for that. Instead, from what I know of the USA, at least, is that the majority of murders are between lovers or family. Hell, most murderers kill someone they are already acquainted with, someone that they know to a degree that's a little more than casual (usually the case). So, there's an emotional link between the murderer and the victim in most murder cases. Hence, the emotional basis for MOST murders, but not all. The murderers in this sense felt something towards their victims, either love, kindness, respect, or whatnot before committing their acts. Some other emotional factor drove the murderer to killing their victim. So what's the point of all of this explanation? Well, it proves that not all murderers are "monsters." Indeed, they are truly human because they are acting on their emotions. They felt it, then they acted on it.

The reactionaries, the judges of our kin, are hardly different from the murderers themselves. All that separates the vindictive & prophets of vengeance (or, in short, the reacting judges that many of us are) is action. A murderer acted, but the prophet of violent reaction did not. One could say, "something that the innocent had that the murderer didn't have prevented the innocent from killing in the first place!" Well, consider this; many murderers have never committed a crime in their lifetimes. They're even, up to the time of the crime that is, seemingly docile and peaceful people, at least to the uninformed and untrained eye. Yet there is a trigger that makes them kill a person. Now, keep in mind, the tragedies of Columbine & Virginia Tech were not targeted towards a specific person, and thus don't support my argument, but let's steer clear of that.

So really, it is truly a human thing to react, to have passion, to feel & even act on emotion. So if someone condones (towards a murderer) something along the likes of, "castrate them, break their limbs, torture them for days, get them raped until they bleed, and then take their lives as penance", they're only acting on their innermost humanity. It's the nature of man to be monstrously gruesome, to be more attuned to barbarism & violence, to react to a situation doing pretty much anything possible, violent or not. We like to think of ourselves as reasonable, civil creatures. But we're not. We are still beasts, we are still in the harsh grasslands that our most distant ancestors toiled in to survive. We set up so many delusions & illusions in and around ourselves to think that we're above such primitive & barbaric ways, but there's no escaping the truth; we're beasts of nature. We don't think before we act, we do it the other way around. We don't use logic, we use emotion. We don't reason, we react. However, we are capable of reason, logic, and thinking. We are capable of stopping our overlaying, inherited traits of reaction & motives driven by fear. But we're nowhere near past any such laughable traits.

And that could be an evolutionary thing...

Livin' the High Life

Livin' the high life
And I'm not ready to die
For the prudent crimes
I commit at night
This is the high life
I'm not living in shame
Loving the feel of pain
All for my gain

Livin' the high life
Tonight I'm ready to kill
For my bloodthirstiness
So to satisfy
Loving the high life
I'm not hiding myself
And no containment cell
Will stop me

All for me
That's true
I've got the high life
Business to attend to
Nothing will
Nothing will stop me

Livin' the high life
Still not ready to die
I should hate myself
But I can't, oh why?
I'll take the high life
Over anything else
And bask in the blood
Of all my peers

Nothing will stop me

Livin' the the high life
Why haven't I been caught?
'Cause the bodies of those
I've killed, they rot
Dead from the high life
Can't turn it's back on me
I'm a raving lunatic killer
Nothing will stop me

All for me
That's true
I've got the high life
Business to attend to
Nothing will
Nothing will stop me

Livin' the high life
Still not ready to die
Nothing will stop me
Nothing will stop me

The Stand

What makes sense when something bleeds?
That something that helps you be
A man, a mystery, a journeyman unclean
Destroyed as if it was nothing

What makes life so worth living?
There's always something striking you down
To be or not to be is not the right question
If it seems nothing is making sense

I need an answer
I demand answers!

Need an answer
Praise a lord or hold myself mercy?
I can hide
I can run for life
I can do all I can to stay my current path
But can it stand to last?
Who knows...

No one knows

WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS!?

If I can't find my way about the struggle
Mark my words I'll find the solution
Clear mind is bliss when you know the truth
If you can call it truth

If I see a light, will it be omega?
For one to know is to unfold the answer
If I see the light will things then make sense?
Or rather obliterate dignified pretense

I need an answer
I demand answers!

Need an answer
Praise a lord or hold myself mercy?
I can hide
I can run for life
I can do all I can to stay my current path
But can it stand to last?
Who knows...

I need an answer
Who knows?
I demand an answer
But who's to know?
I can hide
I can run for life
I can do all I can to stay my current path
But can it stand to last?

Who knows...

No one knows

Day By Day

Thoughts
I subside
Wisdom
Like bloom of trees
Growing
Where to now?

Bells
Whistle birds
Notes
Sounds of love
Whispering
For what I listen?

Hands
Of children
Tears
So special
Make life complete
So to grow?

Wash
And learn peace
Sun
Setting body
The mind sinks
Into sleep
For another day?

Thankful

My last breaths greet me
Too scared to smile
Despite relative peace
I'll never live again
The spark at my fingertips
Slowly vanishes
In this season I Fall
No head up high for Spring
The one who brought me here
Thankful for all my life


Laying in my last bed
Her hand overlaps mine
The soft whisper of serenity
The presence of family
Meets dimming life
The one who brought me here
Thankful for all my life
She praises me for the path
That I took on
In her warming embrace


In this cold empty place
Calmed by the grace
Of her warming embrace
I forget all the times
Where I felt hurt & fear
Darkening of the stars
Things fade to a blank
As my eyes see her face
The one who brought me here
Thankful for all my life


The one who brought me here
Thankful for all my life
She praises me for the path
That I took on
In her warming embrace
The last thing that I see
All I could ever ask for
The face of the one who made me
The one who brought me here
Thankful for all my life


Lifted and no longer
Distraught
And my mind fades
Away

Strife

We don't need your cheap allegations
Just reap what you've sown and read your lessons
Mind over matter is what matters most
And for a better life for all let's make a toast

We don't need your bludgeoning lies
Cause unlike you we bare open minds
Polite or not, we're not blind friends
And if you must make it come it'll all end

You don't run our lives
You can't read our minds
We are free of your iron fist
And you will not be sorely missed
Mark my life
Mark my life
Mark my life
Mark my life

We don't want your everlasting presence
Just accept this and you'll get a full sense
Mark our words you won't even last here
Cause if we're pushed we'll bring on the fear

We don't care for all of the pulled strings
Since you arrived we've felt nothing but stings
Our hearts are set in stone and will never change
And if it must be so then there'll be a war we'll wage

You don't run our lives
You can't read our minds
We are free of your iron fist
And you will not be sorely missed
Mark my life
Mark my life
Mark my life
Mark my life
Leave by strife

Mark my life
(Your strife)
Mark my life
(Your life)
Mark my life
(Your strife)
Mark my life
(Your life your strife)

So go ahead and try to pull the strings!
Never again will you overcome me!
Leave us
Or die

Six Feet Under

Why live this life?
In a self-made hellish damaged mind
It's not right
To live when I cannot reach my dreams
So I realized
That I have died, deep inside the recesses
Time has shown
I'm an enemy of my own
Would I be better six feet underground?

What's the point
Living a life that's been whisked away
End my life
Things would be better six feet underground

Six Feet Under

Pull out my eyes
They've seen so much trauma through these times
Don't save my life
Sanity's gone and I am not alright
So I realized
That I have died, deep inside the recesses
Time has shown
I'm in a league unknown
Would I be better six feet underground?

What's the point
Living a life that's been whisked away
End my life
Things would be better six feet underground

Six Feet Under
Six Feet Under
Six Feet Under

Pull out my eyes
They've been through hell
And planted seeds where demons now dwell
Dissect my mind
It dreams suicide
Marked by a cursed existence built through time
Scars burning inside the hurting resides
Everlasting torture of a crippled mind
Things would truly be better
Six feet underground
Forever

What's the point
Living a life that's been whisked away
End my life
Things would better six feet underground

Six Feet Under
Six Feet Under
Six Feet Under

The Dragon Sheds it's Skin

Things will never be the same again
Not at all
Feel like shedding away all my skin
Loveless one

I am living in shame today
Like I'm soulless
So hit or miss
Lost a soulmate
Now I must wait

She was in my dreams again
A love I longed
Like burning blades of pain cutting
Oh how I wronged

I am losing the game today
'Cause I'm soulless
So hit or miss
Lost a soulmate
Now I must wait

Time must heal these open wounds
In the meantime
For now I grieve from the truth
Much on my mind

I am in need of the best today
While I'm soulless
So hit or miss
Lost a soulmate
Now I must wait

To heal
The dragon sheds it's skin

My Heart's Raging Storm

Realization seeps in more
Of my recent mistakes
And a pain I've not felt before
Begot my every wake

I've lost myself a best friend
Through my every heart ache
The peak of an intractable trend
Had put our bond at stake

And for that I ride
My heart's raging storm

Riding the storm
Writhing the front
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm
Not knowing right
From fucking wrong
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm

Leaving the line
As my heart dominates
In an afflictive wake
The needs remain

Part of a life
Learning from aches
I've not been wise
Just give and take

Had I realized
How she needed space
I'd make up my mind
For both our sakes

Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm

Riding the storm
Writhing the front
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm
Not knowing right
From fucking wrong
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm

In our truest moments
I've come to feel whole
Lost in a sea of hope
I lost light of all the right choices

Ejecting my pride and joy
Into that wonderful soul
Had left me open to
My blindly controlling desires

Now that distance is made
I've got a chance for hope
To reshape the whole world
That I see for our love

And for that I ride
My heart's raging storm

Riding the storm
Writhing the front
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm
Not knowing right
From fucking wrong
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm
Running blind
Into a void
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm
Had no control
In my life
Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm

My heart's raging storm
For now it rages on
For now it remains a thorn
In my side
I wish I'd have won

Bearing the brunt of my heart's storm

Actual head searching, sad developments, needed resolve

Me and "Your's Truly" have, for now anyway, gone our separate ways. It's not that we are completely cutting each other off, but since there has been a buildup of tension between us, and it reached a peak this past Wednesday, it was just too much for either of us to handle. Distance was necessary, and it has since been applied. But it is not without difficulties. It's very hard for me to deal with at the time as I can't stop thinking about her, and the possibilities that I felt lay before us as friends or more.
Again, we aren't completely cutting each other off, it's just a necessary break. She's not ready for what I have to give to her, which is everything. I have been honest with her, nice to her, even loving to her, and she's just not ready for it. Also, our friendship was very much a give & take thing, with me as the giver. I wanted something more than she wanted at the time, and I'm sure that's still how she is even a mere couple of days after we decided to take some time away from one another. She's gone through a lot in the past couple years, especially in the last year...and quite especially in the past couple of months. From being treated like absolute garbage by her ex (whom is still very much a part of her life, and whom I suspect is trying to go back to where they were before the breakup, which would be BAD), to having to take care of a child that she had with the same ex, and having a harsh realization that with the few things she has in her name, she has to work so very hard to get things on the right track for not only herself, but her daughter. I guess I saw that and I did do what I could to make her happy, by giving to her so much.
Yet there's one thing that I feel we have a misunderstanding on, and she kind of admitted the lack of understanding on her part the day we decided to take some time away from one another. I wanted to make things better, at least for myself, so I can see our friendship in a different, healthier way. So I felt that to reason with her and be honest with her by sitting down and having a heartfelt talk with her was perhaps the best way to do it. I came to that decision after asking her this at first, and seeing her two Saturdays ago. We sat down, and I was very much eager to honestly reveal my feelings, and clear some tension between us. However, it's either that she manipulated the situation, or perhaps a clear indication of where either of us stand in our reciprocation of feelings for whatever we had, in that she did most of the talking. And it was about things that were on her mind, rather than my own. I'm not being selfish in saying I wish that I could've done the talking, but the point of me seeing her was to get things off my chest and hopefully alleviate any tension that was going on between us.
Alas, I had my first psychology session today. It was insightful even on the first session, which I guess goes to show you that therapy can actually help, if you want it to. I do want it to help of course, so I was optimistic in going about the session. Some things I've learned were things like, perhaps "Your's Truly" needs to do some soul searching of her own. Also, that in her confusion and grieving after having left a fairly long and abusive relationship, she could truly find something that makes her feel better about herself, and where she gets over the incidents she endured with her ex. It's easy for anyone else to say, but the best thing she should do for herself is to cut her ex out of the picture completely, even when the child she had is his as well. The man is just not capable of taking care of his own child. Indeed, there are a fair share of biological fathers who have pretty much nothing to do with their own blood children, at least for some time in their life. Often when that happens, the circumstances leading to the estrangement of the father and child(ren) were for a good reason. Better to give the child a positive growing environment than otherwise. I know from what "Your's Truly" has told me about him that he definitely was not a positive influence.
Anyway, the psychologist recommended a book for me and "Your's Truly" to read, "In The Meantime." It's a book about accepting that love does not come easy, and that if someone you hold feelings for is not emotionally ready to embrace another relationship, it's wise to let that person grow enough to be able to do so. I haven't started it yet, but I will soon. I think it'll really help give me insight on how I can feel and grow when it comes to "Your's Truly", and to accept that the distance between us is a necessary challenge between us. Also, I feel she could benefit from reading the book as well, even though I haven't even read it myself. I know the premise of the book, though, and I know she would gain some good insight on how to deal with her own issues when it comes to the relationship she left from just over a month ago.
It was way too soon to even try going far with "Your's Truly", but even though my rational, conscious mind knew that, the deeper recesses of my mind wanted to try to have something special with her, too soon I must say. I never meant to apply emotional pressure on her in any form, but some of my emotions controlled my actions, and it has basically led to this development. I've given my all to her, but she was not ready to give back. And in those times I gave my all and did not see any reciprocation, rather than accepting that perhaps she is not ready to dedicate herself to me or someone like me, I thought that she had rejected me or manipulated me. That's one of the worries I had for so long that led to the snowball effect that built up so much tension in me. I do know she never meant to hurt me, nor did she have any bad intentions. She's just not in the state of thinking and emotional well-being to be all that she could've been.
Anyway, tomorrow, I am getting the cell phone back from her mom. I might also get the money that she owes the same day. But alas, what I am actually looking forward to is talking to her mom, with whom I am on good pages with. I know that her mom trusts me and that's all a caring guy could do, especially the mother of the girl he feels such fondness for. "Your's Truly" unfortunately did not give me the chance to say what I want to say, let alone the new things that have developed in the past several days, so I felt that maybe telling her mom would be just as good (even though her mom is not the person I feel so fond for :P). In a way, I feel that saying some things to "Your's Truly" would be a huge positive step in my therapy to cope with situations like this in the future (especially if her and I have a fresh new start sometime in the near future). However, if she wouldn't be able to do it, I'd accept that. There's just too much on her mind and on her plate to do something like this.
Well, that's a long journal I guess. In my stress, I think I have gotten a sort of canker sore, which sucks because I can feel it constantly. But things should get better. My next session is on the 31st of this month. That feels distant from today but I'm going to try to fill the time with something that makes me happy. And I also hope that "Your's Truly" does the same. All I want for her is the best, happiness, and well-being. And I know that she knows this is all I wanted for her. Perhaps she is thinking about it now, but I dunno, nor should I think about it.

Anyway, peace out
Grizz

Once Was The One

Fate would have me sated
Sedated for all my life
The path that I've once followed
Seems to be closed to me
Once was meant to be the king
Now who would know if I try
That which meant so much to me
And now I feel the need to cry

Once was the one (x4)

Disturbed by an awful truth
The pain seems to take hold of me
Why is it me that loses faith?
When so many seem to have it made
My spirit's picked on me to death
And now I'm a part of society's dredges
So now when I take a look at the ledges
Deep thoughts of self-demise run through me

Once was the one (x4)

The torture has reached its peak
And my mind's my worst enemy
It will be the death of me!
Those who I feel for have strayed aside
All while I'm being tortured deep inside
And the things I have lost for which I felt pride
Will bring on the death of me
As I once was the one

Once was the one (x4)

Once...was...the...one

Some Head Searching

Well I feel I have decided the best thing at this point. It'll help me, with the stress I've been feeling for the past month or so.

I'm going to back away from a certain someone for a little while. I don't know how long I'll do that for, but I feel it is necessary. I've been too clingy, stressed, and hopeful for the last while to a certain someone. If she reads this then I hope she understands. I am not intending to call off the friendship. I just feel that giving myself some time to think and to clear up my head will help settle things a little. I've given this certain someone too much and I feel I have only made things worse by doing so. So I need to settle down.

This is pretty much the best thing to do. I don't know what else I could do at this point without fucking things up further. Since I care about her enough to do this, I think I might be doing both of us a favour by toning down my approach significantly for a while. I'm much too centered on her at the time and I don't need to be, and I know she doesn't want or need that right now. I've felt insecure, stressed, scared, and even angry about what I felt was going on between us, even though I had nothing to base any of those feelings on really. And that's why I feel I have been too clingy or hopeful with her.

I don't know how long this'll take me, but it'll be as long as necessary. A comfortable grace period between me and her, I feel, would really help. Since I don't want her to feel uncomfortable because of my actions or feelings, this is the best thing I could possibly do I think.


Peace, and wish me luck,
Garrett


P.S Thank you for your friendship so far, you know who you are.

Strike Two; one more and you're out!

Two strikes. One more and you're out.

So "anonymous" has disappointed yet again. However, it wasn't a surprise, really. However, I do feel she should not even bother putting a plan in motion if she knows she can't live up to it. She's really getting on my nerves with this crap.

Yesterday, she told me she would personally give me her part of the phone bill while I was on lunch break at work. So I waited during noon hour (the typical lunch hour of the labour force) for her to show up. As time went on, I was realizing that she was ripping me off again, slowly but surely. For fuck's sake, she doesn't need to do this anymore.

Next time I talk to her, which should be tomorrow, I'm giving her an ultimatum for when she tells me she will drop it off to me (again); (depending on the time she says), if she doesn't actually deliver the money OR let me know about something that would keep her from doing so WITHIN an hour of the time-frame she gives me, then I'm cutting her phone off completely. She's already had 2 strikes; 3 strikes is all that is necessary. She's got a responsibility for fuck's sake, it's time for her to grow up. And I really do not want to be a parent...

Keep this in mind, I got her a phone & a phone plan out of generosity. Surely, you'd think that someone would appreciate it enough to pay a small fucking phone bill, right? Well, when you think about it, how many people actually would? She certainly isn't showing any appreciation for it, I tell you that. Her going through a lot of shit in her mind isn't a good excuse, either. I am giving her one last chance, and if she screws that up, then no more phone for her. That's not the way you repay someone when that someone (me) did them a generous thing.

Present Feelings of Uncertainty

This is about a certain person whom, even after a recent chain of disingenuous behavior, I still consider a friend. She knows who she is. I've talked about her a lot in the past month, because I had, or probably still have, feelings for her. A connection, if you will. Mind you, none of it is simple, "I love her she's beautiful LOL" crap, it's quite different from that. Anyway, for the sake of her privacy, I'm referring to her anonymously. It's only fair, and I don't want to make this seem like a slander piece (because it isn't).

She broke up with a guy a couple weeks ago. It was a long awaited thing, something that should have happened long ago. You'd think that someone who really knows what they want for themselves would have broke off ties with a guy that abuses them in pretty much every way imaginable, but she didn't. Well, good thing she made the right choice for herself; at least, the second or third time that I know of.

Ever since that day, which was on the 12th of this month, she's changed dramatically. I can't really pin down what may be the reason(s) for this change, but I know that none of it has to do with me. I can understand if she's confused about a lot of things as of that breakup, but because of one of her actions yesterday, I think it's no longer a valid nor acceptable excuse. This certain thing she did has to do with a very generous thing I did for her back on the 8th of this month. I got her a cell phone, and a cell plan. She didn't ask me it; I offered it to her. I was hoping that, by doing that for her, I could benefit not only her but the both of us. I was hoping we could communicate in a better medium than the usual stuff, which is, sad to say, Windows Live Messenger. There's several reasons I did that for her, and you'd think that she'd show her appreciation somehow (even though you can't really hold expectations of people, since, like with her, they tend to disappoint). However, I was quite wrong!

Since the breakup, things seemed to go downhill between us in a way. Communication almost ceased to a standstill; she insisted we only talk over a god damn Instant Messenger. She didn't want me to talk to her on the phone, even though I'm sure she talked and still talks with plenty of other guys over the phone. And with regards to text messaging, her responses were not only rare, but intolerably vague. For example, she'd say, "Sorry can't text." Sure, there is an overall point to that message, but there is no 'why', 'how', and 'when' to that response. She'd also recycle something along the likes of, "my battery's dying, ttyl" quite often, hardly ever living up to the closing bit. My gut feeling was that she was giving me an excuse to not talk to her, but I won't jump to conclusions, just for the sake of knowing that she's not exactly an indecent nor an out-and-out disingenuous person. I'd hate to think either way, but she's giving me no chance to see otherwise lately.

Well, I didn't get to the real point of this note. She told me she was going to personally bring her part of the phone bill yesterday, somewhere between noon and 3 in the afternoon. Suffice to say, she did disappoint. Later on, while VASTLY disappointed nonetheless, and feeling as uncertain as ever (I'm pretty much nearing my limits now), I talked to her mom on the phone. I told her about it and she suggested I take something back. Well, I think that's the best course of action now. If 'anonymous' wants to keep the cell phone I BOUGHT HER, then she should pay straight up. She's a responsibility in that, after all, so she should learn to live up to them. So not only did she pretty much neglect staying true to her word (basically, she lied to me), she also neglected a duty. So, what do you do when someone doesn't uphold a duty? You take something away, or take disciplinary action. I feel like a fucking parent when I talk about that, for shit's sake...and I don't want to. Yet, she's leaving me little room to move otherwise. Why does she make things harder and harder? Things would go by much more smoothly if she just fessed up and told the fucking truth for once; and to my FACE for a change. Yet, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I've come up with a plan of action. I will personally pick up the bill, or the phone, depending on what turns out; and I will see what happens there. My hope is that she's more genuine than I feel she is now. After all, we hardly know each other in person. It's a sad reality that I'd really like to change, but unfortunately enough, she gives me few indications that she'd like us to really get to know each other...especially lately.

I don't feel there is a good excuse for this shit anymore. I will talk to her in the morning, and if she doesn't cooperate, I'll just be on my way to pick up what needs picking up. Fuck, through my work, I even got her a large supply of diapers, and even with all that she shoves all of the sincerity and respect she repeatedly asserts she has for me (whenever I express concern over the legitimacy of our 'friendship', that is), that seems like an insult. Does she really give a shit? She has certainly given no indication of it, at least directly. Perhaps she's subtle about this, and probably for a reason. This is why I feel that everything is centered on the cell phone now...

Well, that wraps this note up pretty much. I'm hoping that I am wrong about her, but fuck, she's not giving me any other indication. To imagine her as being able to use someone, especially someone like me when I've been there for her (however much so as I could, anyway), is something I want to avoid. But for goodness sake, she's not giving me that chance! I've opened myself up to her, I've done things for her most friends wouldn't even do (nothing insidious, mind you), hell, I've even gone out of my way in whatever way possible to show her that I think she's worth a damn. But she doesn't really have anything to show for it. I really do hope that, if this isn't even a friendship at all, that she DID NOT predict what would happen when approaching this cell phone with that attitude; if she were to have done so, she'd be such a fool that I could barely respect her as a result. Why the fuck would she get in on a cell phone plan with me if it wasn't a friendship? Surely she'd see a sudden end to all of the good things she's getting if she was just using me for the cell phone. If that's exactly how it is, then I feel sorry for her.

Anyway, good night. I don't want to drag anyone down, but I need to get some of this shit off my chest.


Peace,
Grizz

Sunshine of my Life

I feel hugged by your arms
They protect me from all harm
If I could be all you need
Then a wonderful life will be keen

All things in jest are of the past
When I'm safe with you at last
I'm dazed in love when your smile beams
They light up the darkness of my dreams

You know
You are the sunshine of my life
Moonlight of my nights

If you could see right through me
You'd know you're all that I need
I want to be caught in your glare
So I can lovingly stare

I'll be your faultless lover
If I can adore your face forever
My life is replete in your light
And I am hypnotized by your sight

You know
You are the sunshine of my life
Moonlight of my nights
You are the sunshine of my life

Will you accept me?
As long as your loving eyes glean?

You know
You are the sunshine of my life
Moonlight of my nights
You are the sunshine of my life
You are the sunshine of my life
Sunlight for my paling light

Hays' Legacy

Leave in state

Of burden

And hate

Bleeding stain

Of burden

And hate

All lives decay

In rain

Insane

And still they pray

In rain

Insane

Little city on water

Now a wilted flower

Little city on water

Once drawn by your power

Raise a tsunami

The sea

It weeps

Nothing for me

The sea

It weeps

People in despair

Charles' dream

Broken

As cynics, stare

Charles' dream

Broken

Little city on water

Now a wilted flower

Little city on water

Once drawn by your power

The passing of each hour

Makes you more sour

Little city on water

Is this Hays' dream?

What does it all mean?

Take it to heart

For a new start

Little city on water

Now a wilted flower

Little city on water

Once drawn by your power

The passing of each hour

Makes you more sour

Little city on water

Is this Hays' dream?

My Sightly Sunset

Sitting there, my sightly sunset

Above the world you're content

You're leaving me in full wonderment

I'll need the sea's depths so to lament

Your startlingly dreamlike occurrence

Has found me deep in fulfillment

So like the dreams I've always had

Always there for me in good or bad

A jewel in a river; a diamond in the sand

In all of my dreams you hold my hand

And so I wish I could live in this trance

'Cause then my life would feel so grand

I'd like to live in your dreams for a night

And then these feelings will feel all right

So grateful to me you're my healing sight

I'll give the whole world to hold you tight

When I put my thoughts to it I think I might

Thus here I am, fancying you as I write

Your voice tames the seas and calms the land

And in all of my dreams you hold my hand

A jewel in a river; a diamond in the sand

To be with you my life would be so grand

Sitting there, my sightly sunset

Above the world you're content

Your startlingly dreamlike occurrence

Has found me deep in fulfilment

Most Moody Songs (IMO)

Indeed, if I am in the appropriate mood, any one of these songs can possibly wring out tears in me. The first one usually works in doing so, as does the second.

1) Ascension of the Watchers - 'Moonshine' (Numinosum, 2008, Pop/Rock/Ambient)
2) Eric Clapton - 'Wonderful Tonight' (The Cream of Clapton, 1995, Soft Rock/Blues)
3) Boards of Canada - 'Dayvan Cowboy' [accompanied by official music video] (Trans Canada Highway, 2006, Ambient/Electronica)
4) Collective Soul - 'Hollywood' (Afterwords, 2007, Grunge/Pop/Rock)
5) Stevie Nicks & Don Henley - 'Leather & Lace' (Belladonna, 1981, Pop/Rock)

The Everlastingly Annoying Question: "What was before the Big Bang?"

It's simple; anyone who asks this question is unenlightened...to a degree.

The most plausibly logical yet profoundly simple answer to that god damn silly question is this, "Matter." It's MATTER, folks, that was there before the big bang. But was it different? No. It's the same fucking matter that makes up this constantly changing universe we find ourselves in. What was at all different about it? Well, certainly not the MAKEUP of it; all of the things in matter now and in the future have always been there, but in different forms and distributions. You see, all that was remotely different about MATTER before the Big Bang was the distribution of matter. But it was so differently distributed from the Universe that we, ironically enough, just barely understand the limits of, that it is absolutely incomprehensible to the human mind.

Now, not all people who may feel the incessant need to ponder this (IMO) stupid fucking question are simply unenlightened, regardless of the degree of non-enlightenment. Indeed, some are actually trying to start comprehending whatever our feeble (and laughably over-confident) intellect can understand when it comes to the Universe. Yet the majority of those who would ask this tiring paradox have no real interest in whatever there was before the Big Bang. Creationist cretins, god fearing mind-slaves, reality-haters, skeptics of science, and other scientifically ignorant mindsets would be the typical ones to ask this god damn question. To them, you'd answer this same, "Matter." No further explanation is really necessary.

For those of you who have actually used your cognitive thinking abilities to a respectable extent, you already know that nothing that we know of in the Universe was created from nothing.The stars, the sun, the planets, the moon, the comets & asteroids, the things writhing around on the rare planets and moons; they are all from the same matter that has always made up the universe and the unknown space before the Big Bang. Yet a Creationist Cretin, for instance, would perpetually assert that, because of his/her or their ignorance, there was nothing before the Big Bang so essentially their argument becomes: Nothing created Something. This is from the same group of fuckwits who have tirelessly used the rebuked argument, "Nothing can't make nothing." Do they purposely put themselves in the 'self-humiliation' limelight with this circle argument shit or what?

Regardless, the essential moral of this story is, that matter is EVERYTHING. Yet we can't even imagine what it was really like before the Big Bang. Hence why that question is so easily capable of stumping even the greatest scientific minds in our species. Not only that, but we barely have a toe to stand on when it comes to the scope of our presently ever-changing universe, so how could we begin to comprehend the pre-Big Bang time? After all, each and every smallest bit of time that passes by as I write this, the Universe and the matter that makes up the universe has been further distributed whatever way it has been before each and every second that passes by.

What a fucking annoying, yet thought provoking question.

Carnal Angels

Carnal Angels

Passion they embody

Nothing to beg for

Taking it away for me

Not a harpy

But a harlot

Stroke me in my dreams

Persistence in their prodding

Shudder, not alone, stutter, moan a drone

Life means nothing to me in times like these

Carnal Angels

Satisfy my all needs

Spoken in lore

A figment of my dreams

Carnal Angels

Passion they embody

Nothing to beg for

Taking it away for me

Life means nothing to me in times like these

Carnal Angels

Seduce me completely

Voluptuous vixens

My desires replete

Shudder, not alone, stutter, moan a drone

Life means nothing to me in times like these

Price

Living a life in love

It floats on by like a dove

Taken by graces

Bracing for a hold

Though it never ends

So the pain comes

And I've hit a standstill

Can barely attest to my will

lo and behold an irony

The figment unveils verity

And it is oh so...

Oh so cold...

It never ends

It never ends

Chained to you

Lost to you

Pained by you

It never ends

A lock and key

The spell was a vice

Vehicle of wisdom

Will I see it clearly?

Wake from a stupor

And stupid illusions

Soon it will reveal to me

That all is not what seems to be

If I am not drowned

In the cold truth

To which I am privy

And it is oh so...

Oh so cold...

It never ends

It never ends

Chained to you

Lost to you

Pained by you

It never ends

Where does the road lead?

Will I heal or will I bleed?

It never ends

I simply account for it all

For when I take a fall

I've given you every

Chance to see it through

And it has stricken me

If you feel pain

I feel it in attrition

Blurring my vision

Naiveté is not who I am

But I am just a man

And it is oh so...

Oh so cold...

It never ends

It never ends

Where does the road lead?

Will I heal or will I bleed?

It never ends

Life is Selfishness

"A living thing seeks above all to discharge its strength — life itself is will to power. Nothing else matters." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Every single thing we do is an extension of our selfishness, our will to survive and to gain. To survive is to gain, you must gain whatever you, the individual, feels is necessary. In our "moral" society, instead of primitive means of exerting our strength onto others and our environment (such as violence), we use what Neitzsche calls disguised forms of exerting our power. Altruism and sympathy are just two examples of our exertion manifestation in our "morally correct" society. Each one of these traits is really one's means of gaining praise or whatever other positive results for its ultimate benefit; because a being cannot benefit when its environment or its peers work against it's potential to gain.

We are completely incapable of practicing ideas that actually contradict selfishness, such as de facto Communism, Altruism, and other similar ideas. For a society to truly work as a communist governing system, each and every individual would need to put the needs and health of its peers above its own completely. Altruism is similar, but it is not an idea centered around governance; rather, it is one's apparent actions that benefit the needs and health of others at the behest of the "altruistic" individual. Alas, these are inalienably impossible ideas to make concrete in human affairs; we are truly selfish beings, out for our own needs before any others' needs. We share this with all other living organisms on the planet.

Hence, reproduction is another exertion of our selfishness. Selfishness is the will to survive, for if one is not selfish, they cannot see to it to survive another day. The mother's will to protect her young, for instance, is an exertion of their power; for her young is the receiving end of the exertion of her strength, and her young perpetuates the cycle of selfishness to which they contributed. Religious systems are also an extension of our will to power, as for one example with regards to religion, an individual or camaraderie of individuals exert their power over those who they control.

This logic stands firm, and provides a stark look at rebellion, or insurrection as it is properly termed, as even this collective action on part of at least one individual being is not immune to the cold truth of the cycle of life. It is in essence a means for at least one individual's quest to exert his or her strength over others for it's own gain. This is evident in the result of the French Revolution, where after the most powerful individual in France was relinquished of its strength, other individuals simply took on the power that was previously held and frowned upon by the collective peers of the country.

However, one cannot gain from exertion of power if they do not hold the positive reactions of their peers and/or the proper adaptation to its organic environment; as factors from either of these umbrella groups of factors can work against the individual's ultimate need for the assurance of it's own survival. In summary, each and every being must do everything it can for the sake of its own survival, as that is the most important protocol that runs in every single organism that has ever lived, and will ever live, in nature.

The Promised Land

Gone is the day in which we all live
And time is beckoning but our hearts are set
In our dreams is where we all lift
Our spirits seem to be all that we need

All of our pain seems to fade away
Marks of sin break our hearts no more
Brothers and sisters are lost in dismay
And I depend on your love in defense

Trust in me and I will hold your hand
As I shape us the promised land
Trust in me and I will kiss your hand
And the world will embrace our strand

A ghost in the wind leaves me comforted
As a fiery sky descends upon all man
Before time began we would mourn for the dead
Yet a timeless peace seems to be all I need

What is our link to the foreign lands
See all we can see before it's all gone
Grasp your boundless dreams in demand
Our spirits seem to be all that we need

Trust in me and I will hold your hand
As I shape us the promised land
Trust in me and I will kiss your hand
And the world will embrace our strand

Take it to my Grave

Burning my pages!
And you're sadistic!
My birthright is disgraced
By your burning malice!

Twist my fall from death
As it is me you defile!
A sick vile agenda
Which you seek to fulfill

At the behest of me
And my loved ones
Whom you forsake with
Brazen persistence

Burning my pages!

Fuck my name
Grim mistake
Raped in vain
Grim mistake!

Burning my pages!

Cowardice you illustrate
A bias against my name
I harbored no scorn
Yet you are my thorn!

Damned in death
Far in debt

Cowardice you illustrate
A bias against my name
I harbored no scorn
Yet you are my thorn!

Fuck my name
Grim mistake
Raped in vain
Grim mistake!

Burning my pages!

Burning my pages!

The Idea of a Utopia is merely a Pipe Dream (POLL)

You may know of people who, for whatever reason, indulge in fantasies of peace among mankind. You know, a Utopia, where everyone gets along, and there are no clashes of ideas or beliefs or interests because, somehow, there are no separate ideas, beliefs or interests. Perhaps it's different from that; perhaps it's because ideas, beliefs, or interests don't clash with one another. But there's one problem with that...

That will never fucking happen.

Where is the logic in this pipe-dream think-tank? Sure, it's peachy and people don't tend to like conflict (at least in their active consciousness that they mostly control), but people have conflicted with each other ever since the birth of man. Conflict is part of survival. It's in nature. You and I, and every organism on this planet, is in a conflict to survive. It's perpetual. And this "conflict" comes in many, many forms. We think we're the most conflict-ridden creatures on the planet but that's only because we understand ourselves the most. But I digress.

The point of this post is not to be some philosophically tinged rant, but to ask you, my reader, what you think of this fucked up, rather boring as hell idea that humans can somehow coexist peacefully.

Remember, we don't all think alike. Sure, since we're a social creature (which is a weakness in some cases, and a strength in others), we mostly conform to a group-mind; but we're never truly like someone else. The physical and mental connections in our cognitive processor, or our "brains", are never the same because of countless factors, and as long as those countless factors continue to affect us, we'll never be the same. And I'm glad for that. For example, I don't want anything to do with organized religion. I find the shit to be reprehensible because it, for the most part, is against individual thought and action. No, Christianity doesn't care for YOUR fulfillment in life, because it is about governing how you live your life, and pleasing some unexplainable, unprovable god thing in the sky somewhere that apparently created everything in the universe (but somehow fucks up with our anatomy, as a tiny example, in many, many ways).

So here's the poll question:

Would you truly relish the idea that humans can coexist peacefully, without any conflict in whatever form amongst one another, and make it last?

Here are your options ladies 'n' gentlemen:

1) Yes, I in fact believe in this idea that all humans, present and future, can coexist amongst each other peacefully and without any further conflict.

2) I think it is possible (REQUIRES THOUGHTFUL EXPLANATION)

3) No, I don't see it happening any time soon -OR- No, I know about human nature, and the nature of everything that lives on this ever-changing blue-green rock, and how conflict has always, and will always be necessary for survival.

Please respond by comment. I'd really like to know how many of you believe in this (IMHATOO) silly idea, are not sure about it, or are in fact in opposition to this idea.