Actual head searching, sad developments, needed resolve

Me and "Your's Truly" have, for now anyway, gone our separate ways. It's not that we are completely cutting each other off, but since there has been a buildup of tension between us, and it reached a peak this past Wednesday, it was just too much for either of us to handle. Distance was necessary, and it has since been applied. But it is not without difficulties. It's very hard for me to deal with at the time as I can't stop thinking about her, and the possibilities that I felt lay before us as friends or more.
Again, we aren't completely cutting each other off, it's just a necessary break. She's not ready for what I have to give to her, which is everything. I have been honest with her, nice to her, even loving to her, and she's just not ready for it. Also, our friendship was very much a give & take thing, with me as the giver. I wanted something more than she wanted at the time, and I'm sure that's still how she is even a mere couple of days after we decided to take some time away from one another. She's gone through a lot in the past couple years, especially in the last year...and quite especially in the past couple of months. From being treated like absolute garbage by her ex (whom is still very much a part of her life, and whom I suspect is trying to go back to where they were before the breakup, which would be BAD), to having to take care of a child that she had with the same ex, and having a harsh realization that with the few things she has in her name, she has to work so very hard to get things on the right track for not only herself, but her daughter. I guess I saw that and I did do what I could to make her happy, by giving to her so much.
Yet there's one thing that I feel we have a misunderstanding on, and she kind of admitted the lack of understanding on her part the day we decided to take some time away from one another. I wanted to make things better, at least for myself, so I can see our friendship in a different, healthier way. So I felt that to reason with her and be honest with her by sitting down and having a heartfelt talk with her was perhaps the best way to do it. I came to that decision after asking her this at first, and seeing her two Saturdays ago. We sat down, and I was very much eager to honestly reveal my feelings, and clear some tension between us. However, it's either that she manipulated the situation, or perhaps a clear indication of where either of us stand in our reciprocation of feelings for whatever we had, in that she did most of the talking. And it was about things that were on her mind, rather than my own. I'm not being selfish in saying I wish that I could've done the talking, but the point of me seeing her was to get things off my chest and hopefully alleviate any tension that was going on between us.
Alas, I had my first psychology session today. It was insightful even on the first session, which I guess goes to show you that therapy can actually help, if you want it to. I do want it to help of course, so I was optimistic in going about the session. Some things I've learned were things like, perhaps "Your's Truly" needs to do some soul searching of her own. Also, that in her confusion and grieving after having left a fairly long and abusive relationship, she could truly find something that makes her feel better about herself, and where she gets over the incidents she endured with her ex. It's easy for anyone else to say, but the best thing she should do for herself is to cut her ex out of the picture completely, even when the child she had is his as well. The man is just not capable of taking care of his own child. Indeed, there are a fair share of biological fathers who have pretty much nothing to do with their own blood children, at least for some time in their life. Often when that happens, the circumstances leading to the estrangement of the father and child(ren) were for a good reason. Better to give the child a positive growing environment than otherwise. I know from what "Your's Truly" has told me about him that he definitely was not a positive influence.
Anyway, the psychologist recommended a book for me and "Your's Truly" to read, "In The Meantime." It's a book about accepting that love does not come easy, and that if someone you hold feelings for is not emotionally ready to embrace another relationship, it's wise to let that person grow enough to be able to do so. I haven't started it yet, but I will soon. I think it'll really help give me insight on how I can feel and grow when it comes to "Your's Truly", and to accept that the distance between us is a necessary challenge between us. Also, I feel she could benefit from reading the book as well, even though I haven't even read it myself. I know the premise of the book, though, and I know she would gain some good insight on how to deal with her own issues when it comes to the relationship she left from just over a month ago.
It was way too soon to even try going far with "Your's Truly", but even though my rational, conscious mind knew that, the deeper recesses of my mind wanted to try to have something special with her, too soon I must say. I never meant to apply emotional pressure on her in any form, but some of my emotions controlled my actions, and it has basically led to this development. I've given my all to her, but she was not ready to give back. And in those times I gave my all and did not see any reciprocation, rather than accepting that perhaps she is not ready to dedicate herself to me or someone like me, I thought that she had rejected me or manipulated me. That's one of the worries I had for so long that led to the snowball effect that built up so much tension in me. I do know she never meant to hurt me, nor did she have any bad intentions. She's just not in the state of thinking and emotional well-being to be all that she could've been.
Anyway, tomorrow, I am getting the cell phone back from her mom. I might also get the money that she owes the same day. But alas, what I am actually looking forward to is talking to her mom, with whom I am on good pages with. I know that her mom trusts me and that's all a caring guy could do, especially the mother of the girl he feels such fondness for. "Your's Truly" unfortunately did not give me the chance to say what I want to say, let alone the new things that have developed in the past several days, so I felt that maybe telling her mom would be just as good (even though her mom is not the person I feel so fond for :P). In a way, I feel that saying some things to "Your's Truly" would be a huge positive step in my therapy to cope with situations like this in the future (especially if her and I have a fresh new start sometime in the near future). However, if she wouldn't be able to do it, I'd accept that. There's just too much on her mind and on her plate to do something like this.
Well, that's a long journal I guess. In my stress, I think I have gotten a sort of canker sore, which sucks because I can feel it constantly. But things should get better. My next session is on the 31st of this month. That feels distant from today but I'm going to try to fill the time with something that makes me happy. And I also hope that "Your's Truly" does the same. All I want for her is the best, happiness, and well-being. And I know that she knows this is all I wanted for her. Perhaps she is thinking about it now, but I dunno, nor should I think about it.

Anyway, peace out
Grizz

Once Was The One

Fate would have me sated
Sedated for all my life
The path that I've once followed
Seems to be closed to me
Once was meant to be the king
Now who would know if I try
That which meant so much to me
And now I feel the need to cry

Once was the one (x4)

Disturbed by an awful truth
The pain seems to take hold of me
Why is it me that loses faith?
When so many seem to have it made
My spirit's picked on me to death
And now I'm a part of society's dredges
So now when I take a look at the ledges
Deep thoughts of self-demise run through me

Once was the one (x4)

The torture has reached its peak
And my mind's my worst enemy
It will be the death of me!
Those who I feel for have strayed aside
All while I'm being tortured deep inside
And the things I have lost for which I felt pride
Will bring on the death of me
As I once was the one

Once was the one (x4)

Once...was...the...one

Some Head Searching

Well I feel I have decided the best thing at this point. It'll help me, with the stress I've been feeling for the past month or so.

I'm going to back away from a certain someone for a little while. I don't know how long I'll do that for, but I feel it is necessary. I've been too clingy, stressed, and hopeful for the last while to a certain someone. If she reads this then I hope she understands. I am not intending to call off the friendship. I just feel that giving myself some time to think and to clear up my head will help settle things a little. I've given this certain someone too much and I feel I have only made things worse by doing so. So I need to settle down.

This is pretty much the best thing to do. I don't know what else I could do at this point without fucking things up further. Since I care about her enough to do this, I think I might be doing both of us a favour by toning down my approach significantly for a while. I'm much too centered on her at the time and I don't need to be, and I know she doesn't want or need that right now. I've felt insecure, stressed, scared, and even angry about what I felt was going on between us, even though I had nothing to base any of those feelings on really. And that's why I feel I have been too clingy or hopeful with her.

I don't know how long this'll take me, but it'll be as long as necessary. A comfortable grace period between me and her, I feel, would really help. Since I don't want her to feel uncomfortable because of my actions or feelings, this is the best thing I could possibly do I think.


Peace, and wish me luck,
Garrett


P.S Thank you for your friendship so far, you know who you are.

Strike Two; one more and you're out!

Two strikes. One more and you're out.

So "anonymous" has disappointed yet again. However, it wasn't a surprise, really. However, I do feel she should not even bother putting a plan in motion if she knows she can't live up to it. She's really getting on my nerves with this crap.

Yesterday, she told me she would personally give me her part of the phone bill while I was on lunch break at work. So I waited during noon hour (the typical lunch hour of the labour force) for her to show up. As time went on, I was realizing that she was ripping me off again, slowly but surely. For fuck's sake, she doesn't need to do this anymore.

Next time I talk to her, which should be tomorrow, I'm giving her an ultimatum for when she tells me she will drop it off to me (again); (depending on the time she says), if she doesn't actually deliver the money OR let me know about something that would keep her from doing so WITHIN an hour of the time-frame she gives me, then I'm cutting her phone off completely. She's already had 2 strikes; 3 strikes is all that is necessary. She's got a responsibility for fuck's sake, it's time for her to grow up. And I really do not want to be a parent...

Keep this in mind, I got her a phone & a phone plan out of generosity. Surely, you'd think that someone would appreciate it enough to pay a small fucking phone bill, right? Well, when you think about it, how many people actually would? She certainly isn't showing any appreciation for it, I tell you that. Her going through a lot of shit in her mind isn't a good excuse, either. I am giving her one last chance, and if she screws that up, then no more phone for her. That's not the way you repay someone when that someone (me) did them a generous thing.

Present Feelings of Uncertainty

This is about a certain person whom, even after a recent chain of disingenuous behavior, I still consider a friend. She knows who she is. I've talked about her a lot in the past month, because I had, or probably still have, feelings for her. A connection, if you will. Mind you, none of it is simple, "I love her she's beautiful LOL" crap, it's quite different from that. Anyway, for the sake of her privacy, I'm referring to her anonymously. It's only fair, and I don't want to make this seem like a slander piece (because it isn't).

She broke up with a guy a couple weeks ago. It was a long awaited thing, something that should have happened long ago. You'd think that someone who really knows what they want for themselves would have broke off ties with a guy that abuses them in pretty much every way imaginable, but she didn't. Well, good thing she made the right choice for herself; at least, the second or third time that I know of.

Ever since that day, which was on the 12th of this month, she's changed dramatically. I can't really pin down what may be the reason(s) for this change, but I know that none of it has to do with me. I can understand if she's confused about a lot of things as of that breakup, but because of one of her actions yesterday, I think it's no longer a valid nor acceptable excuse. This certain thing she did has to do with a very generous thing I did for her back on the 8th of this month. I got her a cell phone, and a cell plan. She didn't ask me it; I offered it to her. I was hoping that, by doing that for her, I could benefit not only her but the both of us. I was hoping we could communicate in a better medium than the usual stuff, which is, sad to say, Windows Live Messenger. There's several reasons I did that for her, and you'd think that she'd show her appreciation somehow (even though you can't really hold expectations of people, since, like with her, they tend to disappoint). However, I was quite wrong!

Since the breakup, things seemed to go downhill between us in a way. Communication almost ceased to a standstill; she insisted we only talk over a god damn Instant Messenger. She didn't want me to talk to her on the phone, even though I'm sure she talked and still talks with plenty of other guys over the phone. And with regards to text messaging, her responses were not only rare, but intolerably vague. For example, she'd say, "Sorry can't text." Sure, there is an overall point to that message, but there is no 'why', 'how', and 'when' to that response. She'd also recycle something along the likes of, "my battery's dying, ttyl" quite often, hardly ever living up to the closing bit. My gut feeling was that she was giving me an excuse to not talk to her, but I won't jump to conclusions, just for the sake of knowing that she's not exactly an indecent nor an out-and-out disingenuous person. I'd hate to think either way, but she's giving me no chance to see otherwise lately.

Well, I didn't get to the real point of this note. She told me she was going to personally bring her part of the phone bill yesterday, somewhere between noon and 3 in the afternoon. Suffice to say, she did disappoint. Later on, while VASTLY disappointed nonetheless, and feeling as uncertain as ever (I'm pretty much nearing my limits now), I talked to her mom on the phone. I told her about it and she suggested I take something back. Well, I think that's the best course of action now. If 'anonymous' wants to keep the cell phone I BOUGHT HER, then she should pay straight up. She's a responsibility in that, after all, so she should learn to live up to them. So not only did she pretty much neglect staying true to her word (basically, she lied to me), she also neglected a duty. So, what do you do when someone doesn't uphold a duty? You take something away, or take disciplinary action. I feel like a fucking parent when I talk about that, for shit's sake...and I don't want to. Yet, she's leaving me little room to move otherwise. Why does she make things harder and harder? Things would go by much more smoothly if she just fessed up and told the fucking truth for once; and to my FACE for a change. Yet, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I've come up with a plan of action. I will personally pick up the bill, or the phone, depending on what turns out; and I will see what happens there. My hope is that she's more genuine than I feel she is now. After all, we hardly know each other in person. It's a sad reality that I'd really like to change, but unfortunately enough, she gives me few indications that she'd like us to really get to know each other...especially lately.

I don't feel there is a good excuse for this shit anymore. I will talk to her in the morning, and if she doesn't cooperate, I'll just be on my way to pick up what needs picking up. Fuck, through my work, I even got her a large supply of diapers, and even with all that she shoves all of the sincerity and respect she repeatedly asserts she has for me (whenever I express concern over the legitimacy of our 'friendship', that is), that seems like an insult. Does she really give a shit? She has certainly given no indication of it, at least directly. Perhaps she's subtle about this, and probably for a reason. This is why I feel that everything is centered on the cell phone now...

Well, that wraps this note up pretty much. I'm hoping that I am wrong about her, but fuck, she's not giving me any other indication. To imagine her as being able to use someone, especially someone like me when I've been there for her (however much so as I could, anyway), is something I want to avoid. But for goodness sake, she's not giving me that chance! I've opened myself up to her, I've done things for her most friends wouldn't even do (nothing insidious, mind you), hell, I've even gone out of my way in whatever way possible to show her that I think she's worth a damn. But she doesn't really have anything to show for it. I really do hope that, if this isn't even a friendship at all, that she DID NOT predict what would happen when approaching this cell phone with that attitude; if she were to have done so, she'd be such a fool that I could barely respect her as a result. Why the fuck would she get in on a cell phone plan with me if it wasn't a friendship? Surely she'd see a sudden end to all of the good things she's getting if she was just using me for the cell phone. If that's exactly how it is, then I feel sorry for her.

Anyway, good night. I don't want to drag anyone down, but I need to get some of this shit off my chest.


Peace,
Grizz

Sunshine of my Life

I feel hugged by your arms
They protect me from all harm
If I could be all you need
Then a wonderful life will be keen

All things in jest are of the past
When I'm safe with you at last
I'm dazed in love when your smile beams
They light up the darkness of my dreams

You know
You are the sunshine of my life
Moonlight of my nights

If you could see right through me
You'd know you're all that I need
I want to be caught in your glare
So I can lovingly stare

I'll be your faultless lover
If I can adore your face forever
My life is replete in your light
And I am hypnotized by your sight

You know
You are the sunshine of my life
Moonlight of my nights
You are the sunshine of my life

Will you accept me?
As long as your loving eyes glean?

You know
You are the sunshine of my life
Moonlight of my nights
You are the sunshine of my life
You are the sunshine of my life
Sunlight for my paling light

Hays' Legacy

Leave in state

Of burden

And hate

Bleeding stain

Of burden

And hate

All lives decay

In rain

Insane

And still they pray

In rain

Insane

Little city on water

Now a wilted flower

Little city on water

Once drawn by your power

Raise a tsunami

The sea

It weeps

Nothing for me

The sea

It weeps

People in despair

Charles' dream

Broken

As cynics, stare

Charles' dream

Broken

Little city on water

Now a wilted flower

Little city on water

Once drawn by your power

The passing of each hour

Makes you more sour

Little city on water

Is this Hays' dream?

What does it all mean?

Take it to heart

For a new start

Little city on water

Now a wilted flower

Little city on water

Once drawn by your power

The passing of each hour

Makes you more sour

Little city on water

Is this Hays' dream?