Doom Eternal Review (2020, PC/XBONE/PS4, FPS/Action, Id Software/Bethesda)

Rip & Tear!

More of the same, kind of? 

Nah, this is an evolution of the franchise in mostly every way possible. Eternal kind of raises the stakes both thematically and mechanically; Earth, in the story proper, is being ravaged by the forces of Hell; new gameplay mechanics, enemy and weapon types, and a huge change in pacing take center stage. You won't miss a thing that Id Software has added to the mix for this round.

Does it all add up, though? Does it blow 2016 out of the water, or merely do its own thing well enough that you can't quite compare the two?

Well, both are kind of true here.

Like its predecessor, when you deal with enemies, the game takes on a sort of presentation that we've seen in the likes of Serious Sam and PainKiller. Exits close off and the hordes of Hell pour in over time, trying to slay your ass. You are often contending with such a varied minutiae of hellspawn at any given time that there`s actually a level of depth to the gameplay: never stop moving (if you can help it), keep shooting, but mind that some monsters are weaker and stronger against certain weapons than others. And each monster has different ways of trying to kill you and keep you moving. It`s just like before (minus the gore nests, which only show up to trigger `special encounters`, new to this title), only now it`s even more hectic.

One thing you`ll notice, visually, is that enemies look different this time around. Shy of the newcomers, such as the Arachnotron, Marauder, Dread Knight, Pain Elemental and plenty others, the ones who are returning may invoke feelings such as, "I've seen this before, but where was it?" Well, that's because this time around, the imp, zombie soldier, legendary Cacodemon, and even Mancubus (to name a few) have designs that hark back to the classic games of the early nineties. One or two enemies didn't really seem to fit in with this new visual theme, for some reason or another, but overall the developers pulled that off.

You have new means of dispatching demons at your disposal, whereas most of the arsenal from before make a return as well. The super shotgun, for instance, comes pre-packaged with a meathook, which allows you to rappel right toward your foes by anchoring the hook into their flesh. Neat. The chainsaw as well plays a more prominent role, too. You have a grenade launcher, with two grenade types, instead of having to use your hand as before; the reliable fragmentation grenade for the simple task of slaughter, and the ice grenade for slowing and freezing enemies. You can upgrade these two in the Praetor Suit upgrade menu, which also returns.

Some weapons have their methods of attack slightly changed, or in a few cases, their alternative modes changed entirely. The assault rifle, for instance, has a slower semi-automatic mode that deals greater damage at the expense of using more ammo; the super shotgun eschews the mastery that allowed for firing two barrels before reloading; the chaingun is an energy weapon that replaces the mode that keeps the firing mechanism winding in favor of an energy shield, and more. As mentioned before, you don't throw grenades, but rather you fire them with a new attachment to your suit. They are the frag grenade, the ice grenade, and then the "flame belch." The latter of these attacks is crucial to keeping armor drops coming during the heat of battle. 

The gauss cannon has been replaced by the ballista, which is a magic-based weapon (that uses cells, for some reason). You now have a blade attachment on your left arm which is used during some of the glory kills, but never has an active presence in real-time combat. The chaingun, like before (but more crucial than before given how little ammunition you can stock up on) serves to replenish your reserves when used on the forces of evil. The way you slice and dice with this bad boy is always fun to watch.

Glory kills make a return as well, which makes sense given how they helped 2016 achieve such popularity.

The new enemies really liven up the pacing of combat. Arachnotrons, highly mobile unlike in the good old days, like to pelt you with plasma from afar. Gargoyles, more or less flying imps, force you to keep on eye on the sky. Pain elementals like to throw lost souls at you, literally, and "walk" while floating in the air right towards you. Arch-viles, introduced in Doom II, make a triumphant return as one of the toughest foes in the game. A throwback monster in the Tyrant shows up here and there, to remind you that the infamous Cyber-Demon of old is still very much in the minds of the masters of hell. The Dread Knight is basically a cyborg Hell Knight which comes with an area-denial ability. The Baron now has blades of argent energy on their forearms which they use to gut you like an armored swine. The Cacodemon is more aggressive and really wants to take a bite out of you.

Then we get one of the most impressive enemies in the game: the Marauder. He's the foil to the Doomguy, basically. He's smart, highly defensive, very fast on his feet, toys with the player (fires his own shotgun if you're too close, or throws argent energy beams at you if you're too far), can summon evil wolf spirits, and leaves you with few opportunities to actually hurt it. In fact, you can't even nuke him with the BFG 9000. When you have to deal with him, make sure you take care of other demons first, because he's the one who'll give you the most stress of them all.

There are multiple bosses this time around: the cybernetic Doom Hunter, which has a shield and (at first) flies on a robotic platform; the first time you meet a marauder; the Gladiator, which resembles an even bigger "hell noble" demon that uses a shield offensively; the Icon of Sin, and then its master, Khan Makyr. Pretty impressive, compared to the previous game anyway. 

Rather than present the game in an entirely linear fashion, you now kind of "hop" between levels using portals in your newly-introduced hub area, lovingly called the "Fortress of Doom." The hub is impressive, as you can upgrade your suit and abilities here (with the help of various rewards you find in gameplay), gain a couple of important new tools, can play around with enemies in the "prison" area, and even attend to a room that showcase your collectibles and progress. There's even plenty of Easter eggs and nods to not only the older entries in the franchise, but pretty much anything that falls under the Zenimax Media/Bethesda family of games. Yes, you can find a reference or two to games like Fallout and Wolfenstein, to name a few. Talk about welcome fanservice.

Like before, the game encourages exploration between your bouts of slaughter. You also have new means of getting around: Doomguy can cling to climbable walls, and you can gain the ability to dash up to two times whether on foot or in the air. The meathook, as mentioned before, can also help you get around, too. Doomguy can smash in walls that have cracks in them. Much of this is meant to facilitate rummaging through the levels to find various secrets and collectibles. One new kind of artifact, if you collect 6 of them, can allow you to wield the "Unmakyr", which is basically Doom 64's "Unmaker" once again. Oh and there are now secret encounters, which if finished before the clock runs out, award you with weapon points. 

The story is a bit more serious, and goes kind of like this: Doomguy, at some point after the previous game, took over the Fortress of Doom and uses it to get to Earth, as the latter is being ravaged by Hell. Humanity is on the brink, only barely surviving thanks to a resistance movement, and Doomguy is the anti-hero that the (non-brainwashed) humans are leaning on to save the world. In order to stop this invasion for good, he has to find and kill three Hell Priests. However, as he moves from one to another, he gets stifled by a much more powerful entity that has basically orchestrated humanity's downfall. The motivation for this big bad wanting to kill humanity is cliche and uninteresting, but we still get to enjoy watching as the Doomguy shows everyone and everything that he's sick of all of this bullshit. You can almost feel his glare through his visor. Did I mention that we can see his eyes through his visor? Also, as the game nears completion, we get to see flashbacks that show that not only is this Doomguy the same one we loved from the classic games, but how he became the veritable force of nature that he's been since 2016. Let's just say that if you've read the infamous Doom Comic, then you'll notice the obvious call-out to that same devilishly hilarious piece of limited print.

It's not all rosy, though. Your mileage may vary on this, but at times, the game becomes borderline unfair. You get less ammo, even with upgrades, and often find yourself scrambling to murder a demon that is chasing your armored ass before he murders you. While you have several different ways of replenishing your health, armor, and ammunition (arguably most important), you're sometimes so overwhelmed by the proceedings that you might just forget to use these tools on hand to keep the fight going in your favor. Also, there were a few areas in the game (not including Slayer Gates, which can throw enemies often above your level right at you) that were downright aggravating to get through. An annoying new addition to the game, which thankfully only happens a few times, is this thing (or enemy, such as the Arch-vile) that provides buffs to enemies. Said buff makes enemies ridiculously fast, which can outpace YOU in the worst of times. Also, they keep coming and coming until you destroy the source of their buff. The worst thing about these sequences is the matter of finding those sources, which, in the case of the Arch-vile, can be a huge hassle to do while you're avoiding the bloodthirsty demons zipping your way.

It also gets a bit tedious at times. You feel like you're doing the same thing over and over, and it doesn't really mix things up much. We played this in 2016, and aside from the new additions to the formula, we're doing the same thing again. Only, this time for a good 15 or so hours. That's not a terrible thing, but depending on how you take the experience, you may grow weary of it or appreciate it. I kind of found myself slightly leaning toward the former, unfortunately. Especially in areas where I constantly get killed. A slight reprieve from getting killed over and over is that you can sometimes find (and eventually hoard) "extra lives", which simply revive you immediately when you'd otherwise die. If you don't have these, though, you have to reload the game. And while reloading the game doesn't take a painful amount of time, it's still time wasted, which can take you out of the frantic mood of the game, especially if it happens too often.

But at least it's more Doom. That, to me, is a welcome thing. Overall, this is a great purchase and we've all been promised additional single-player content in the coming months, unlike last time. I haven't tried the multiplayer mode, which has been flipped on its head this time around, but it seems to be a mixed-bag anyway. There's a lot of unlockable rewards that allow you to customize the Doomguy, the way monsters and weapons appear, and even trivial crap like character poses and introduction music. With new challenges and tasks to complete as time goes on, rewarding new skins and the like, the game will remain active for a while to come. Good on Bethesda and Id to listen to the fans this time around, and give us a more rewarding experience.

B+

The Good:

+ Same great gameplay

+ Lots of new enemies to eviscerate

+ As you pick your enemies apart, their skin and hide gets sloughed off. You'll even see the bones of your prey.

+ Great placement of secrets

+ Very rewarding to find upgrade points and the like

+ Funny and reverent Easter eggs to find, including the Dope Fish!

+ Looks fantastic, and runs smoothly as before, too.

+ Enjoyable soundtrack, with many more throwbacks to the old games than 2016 had. Even the main menu music is recognizable to fans of the series

 + The Doomguy is cooler than ever, and will go down as one of the most badass player characters in gaming

+ More single-player content is forthcoming, as of this writing

+ Customizable, thanks to revolving gameplay challenges and the rewards they grant

The Bad:

- Sometimes feels tedious

- Some areas are borderline unfair, even if you've been upgrading your weapons and character

- A few monster designs don't look as stunning or monstrous as they did before, taking away the 'wow' factor they presented in 2016

- The story is just an excuse to drive the game along, more or less. That's fine, though

- You often find yourself devoid of ammo, before you even realize it. It can be replenished fairly easily most of the time, but you're often too distracted by constant combat to notice before it is too late

- Rather lackluster multiplayer. While you do get to attack the Doomguy as a demon, this is basically the formula you always use: attack the Doomguy as a mook. 

- Platforming, while nothing like a dedicated 2D platformer in terms of difficulty, seems a bit tacked-on, to serve as an excuse to add extra mobility functions. 

God of War (2018, Action/Adventure, Santa Monica Studio/Sony)

The saga enters a new era, coming out on top in the process.

With all of the praise it has received since its release, one may likely think, or at least find that this game may be overrated. Well, it isn't. If you think so then you're simply wrong: this game is as good as most people say it is. 

And why is that?

It's because it refreshes the franchise. Instead of being the seventh installment that recycles the formula started with the very original (nothing wrong with doing it for three main games, if only to improve it with each release), it gives us a new perspective and change of pace. You're closer to Kratos now, playing from an over-the-shoulder, third-person perspective. You're never moved far way from him, even when a massive battle commences. Likewise, cutscenes, all rendered in-game, are closer to the action than they ever were. This is a more intimate entry to the franchise.

The story is also vastly superior.

To summarize the story, here it goes: Kratos has, long since the 3rd entry, exiled himself to a faraway land—the Norwegian wilds. Or, in other words, Midgard. Some time after arriving, he settles down, swearing to never go back to his old, raving lunatic ways. He also meets an enigmatic woman named Faye, and ends up falling in love. They even have a child. That child is named Atreus, in honour of a fellow Spartan who helped keep the others grounded in humanity.

Unfortunately, Faye passes away.

At the start of the game, we see Kratos cutting down a specific type of tree, all marked with yellow handprints. These were handpicked, literally, by Faye, indicating that she knew full-well of her demise. Her passing rocks both Kratos and their son, Atreus, forcing them to look inside themselves and most of all, to forge a bond together. For they are each all that they have left.

In short, this is a game about a father with a sordid past who tries to shape his son into a man—a better man than he ever was. But Atreus is genetically predisposed to the traits that, much to Kratos' horror, defined what he once was, and now hopes to let go of. He has to mentor his son, protect him, teach him humility and boundaries, and especially for him, not to be so afraid of his son. Kratos sees, in some ways anyway, his younger, much more violent and reckless self in Atreus, and throughout the game this terrifies him. 

Faye wanted her ashes to be released atop the highest peak in all the realms. So, knowing that the journey would be harsh and challenging, they set off to fulfill her last wish. Along the way they run into all sorts of oddball characters, borderline-insane antagonists, and a sinister force unseen yet at the center of it all. And all they want is to grant Faye her request.

What you're going to notice right off the heap is that this game is fucking gorgeous. Santa Monica Studio overdid themselves giving us a mesmerizing presentation. You have to wonder just how much work that your PS4 console is putting in to give you this experience. To give you a single hint as to how detailed and photorealistic this game is, you can see the tiniest, most lifelike details on Kratos' face: wrinkles, contours of the face, scars, ruggedness of the skin—it's all there for you to see at any time. The attention to detail not just in Kratos, but pretty much everything else you see AND interact with, that will take your breath away. 

The gameplay is not too far removed from the titles of yesteryear, but it is more deliberately paced and, owing to the closer third-person perspective, has more impact. Fighting enemies has weight and power, and as you earn experience and use that to unlock more fighting moves with the various weapons and your collapsible shield, it only gets more intense as the game goes on. And there's a well-designed gear system at play here: you unlock sets of apparel (chest, arms, waist, and various trinkets) that all grant different bonus traits. These sets can help you hone your play style. And though there clearly are tiers that rank in power, there are still caveats to all of them: do you favor having more hitpoints over defense? Do you want a set to grant bonuses to runic attacks, at the behest of cooldowns which may end up being longer? There are many combinations to consider, and some sets grant truly unique bonus abilities that you just have to discover for yourself.

Now, while you're still as much a god as you were before, if not out of practice a little, in the game proper you're often tested by even the most common enemies. They come in ranks, and with each rank comes greater risks. This keeps you on your toes, even if when you really think about it, Kratos would be laughing at all the nasties that come before him if it weren't for gameplay and story segregation. But that would make for a boring game, wouldn't it? 

There's a strong sense of progression with all of the things you encounter. Enemies and bosses get stronger and more dangerous as you move closer to your end goal. And a very notable foe may keep you glued to your seat as to just how relentless he is for our protagonists throughout the game. 

Oh, did I mention that you have Atreus at your side? 

Yes, Atreus is a supporting character. No, he's not a liability; Atreus was carefully designed to provide aid to Kratos AND look after himself remarkably well. First and foremost, though, is that Atreus is hardly ever at risk of getting hurt, or even killed for that matter. In fact, I'd say that outside of boss battles, he's always at the ready, only affected by the chaotic, ever-changing conditions of the battles you engage in. You can lock onto enemies and order him to fire arrows, of which there are three kinds (two of them take over when you unlock them), in order to stun enemies. Or they can help wittle their health down, too. Of course, there is a slight limitation here: Atreus can't simply spam arrows into your enemies, as there's a cooldown to each attack. That aspect can be upgraded with Atreus-specific gear that you can also unlock.

There are plenty of puzzles and sequences that often require working with Kratos' son in order to solve them. Is there an object that has to be hit with a lightning arrow from Atreus in order to open a door? Does Atreus, who understands the Nordic/Runic language the pair often sees on their journey, have to read aloud an incantation in order to unseat an obstacle? Such occurrences, and more, come into play many times, and they never get old. A lot of imagination went into the puzzles and other obstacles to overcome, and they only get more interesting as the game progresses. Of course, some of these puzzles only require Kratos to solve them.

The world is large, fairly open, but always focused. You can explore a little, for the sake of finding unlockables and new items, and also for gaining resources needed to improve the gear you find. There are various challenges and side-missions to complete, and in my experience, they are all satisfying undertakings. You might even gain some further insight to the lore that is on offer in this fantastic title when you explore as much as you can. The rewards are aplenty, so there's no excuse to not engage in this activity.

It's also a somewhat lengthy experience overall. We're not talking the length of an RPG, but you're going to get your money's worth. And that's NOT including the side-missions. The game is paced well, with set-pieces aplenty but spaced out nicely, making for a well-rounded experience. It's all very cinematic, without taking you too far from the action. Button prompts do return from previous titles, but they're not egregious. If anything, these only complement the action that unfolds. For example, a character named Baldur loves to harass our heroes from time to time, and he always brings with him a harrowing encounter. One such encounter involves Kratos trying to rescue Atreus from Baldur's clutches as they soar through the frigid skies on a dragon, and because Baldur can match Kratos' might blow-for-blow, he'll sometimes be forced to pin the madman down and wail on him in order to buy more time to save his son.

There are a handful of unique, and highly challenging boss fights that are seemingly optional: the Valkyries. While they all look rather similar in appearance, with even their battle areas sharing a common theme, they nonetheless are separate from one another. As in, they scale in difficulty and ability. One after another, each fallen Valkyrie pales in comparison to the next one up the ladder. You might not fight them in the proper sequence at all times, but when you do, you feel the burn getting hotter and hotter as you step up. And then you fight the final Valkyrie, and you're constantly on your toes. Your heart rate skyrockets as you duel against the deadliest enemy in the entire game. And when you finally manage to defeat her, you feel immensely rewarded, like David toppling Goliath. It should be noted that fighting the Valkyries grants you some of the game's most valuable, and effective gear and resources as well; very much worth the high degree of difficulty that these battles afford.

Speaking of his son, this is one of the most engrossing father/son storylines you'll ever experience in a videogame, bar-none. Their interactions and development are so well-written that it's believable, and natural. Kratos starts off rather distant and cold, and harsh, even if he's well-meaning. But over time, he is able to fight off his own insecurities and fears for the boy that naturally, he opens up to Atreus and shows more of the humanity that Kratos is in favor of. We also see a lot of development of Atreus as well; he starts off rather timid and cautious, but over time, he gains lots of confidence—perhaps too much at times, as well as straight-up arrogance and less patience for the world around him, and even, in the most heated of times, his own father. And then he has to learn humility, and to keep a level head, for like Kratos of old, he could get lost in his own anger and power and cause unimaginable damage to all around him.

Let's talk audio: the game has a memorable score, carefully made for this game. It also has some of the best voice-acting you'll hear in the franchise. Gone are the days of Kratos constantly barking like a lunatic; this Kratos is humbled, if not extremely weary, and has a deep, booming voice. In battle, he still roars with fury and determination as he ever did, if only because he just wants himself and his son to get to their destination with as little conflict as possible. There's a lot of funny banter as well with the merchants you meet in the game, especially the dwarf Brok, whose foul-mouth is as sharp as his wit. His brother Sindri is more reserved and timid. A third, very important character named Mimir joins our heroes, albeit unwittingly somewhat, and while his accent is noticeably unlike that befitting the region the game takes place in, he's always a treat to listen to as he is a story-teller type. 

Baldur, the primary threat our heroes face, is one of the best villains I've fought in a video game in quite some time. He's a menace, yes, but there's a reason for his madness. Each battle, and sequence involving him makes for a thrilling time. You'll even learn of his vulnerabilities as a character, for in spite of his invincibility, it comes with a price that has weighed on him over a very long time. Other characters, though not as frequent, nonetheless always contributes to the high quality presentation of the game's story.

And then eventually, with all the hardships our heroes face, and all that they learn about themselves and one another, they come to the destination that Faye had determined. This is when they learn that not everything is what they thought they were: Faye was a frost giant, and Atreus, already known to be half mortal and half god, turns out to be part Giant as well. And Faye may have known more than they realize about their journey. Finally, as Kratos himself learns, Atreus seems destined for something that will change their lives completely down the road.

And then it comes to a satisfying, if not somewhat emotional, end.

Great work, guys. I'm looking forward to the next inevitable installment. Thor, here we come!

A+

The Good:

+ It's a fresh new, if not still familiar, take on the franchise. Sorely needed.

 + The graphics are truly a sight to behold. The scenery porn alone is worth the price of admission

+ Gameplay is always satisfying, from fighting common and less-common enemies, to battling the bosses, and then the harrowing encounters with the Valkyries. 

+ Cutscenes, rendered in-engine, never bore us, always push the story forward, and are often thrilling or emotionally moving.

+ Kratos is much more sympathetic, and being humbled, never grates on the nerves. 

+ Atreus is the additional primary character that the story needs and deserves. He adds so much depth to the franchise alone.

+ While not a true open world per se, the world is still built in a way that allows you to explore for more experiences. And you never feel like the world is too small, either. It feels just right.

+ Everything you hear is perfect for the presentation.
+ The Valkyries serve as a test of all that you learn through the game. If you're up for the challenge, then you're in for quite a ride, even with the lowest-ranking Valkyrie.

+ The new setting opens up many new possibilities

+ We're going to fight Thor and Odin

The Bad:  

- Going through the game, you may be likely to find that it meanders a bit. Sometimes you want the next big set piece of occur.

- Nifilheim, while a really neat area, contains a side-mission that may come off as tedious to some. There are rewards for this activity, however.

- The game ends (no fault of its own this one, because all stories have to end at some time)
- Some bosses seem a bit recycled.
- The Valkyries, progressively so as you fight harder and harder ones, might frustrate you a bit.

  

Godzilla Review (2014, Action/Adventure/Monster, Legendary Pictures)

 

This movie should remind you why Godzilla is king.

Should...

The movie mostly ends up checking the right points: Godzilla himself is badass as ever and isn't simply out to destroy us; he battles other Kaiju; we get to watch human characters that we care about; it's fun to watch.

But what this film does wrong is that it seems to undermine itself on almost all those fronts. Godzilla is badass, yes, in appearance and in how he handles his opposition. But you might be hard-pressed to actually see him in the first place, because he's only in the movie for about ten to fifteen minutes of the film's solid two-hour run time. Considering the film's title, I expected to see more of him. You don't have to inundate us with him in every single frame (build-up is always nice), but maybe grant the viewer, I dunno, a glimpse of the titular monster in half of the film's run time? Could that have been too much to ask for? The M.U.T.O.s that he battles, for instance, get significantly more screen-time than he does. In fact, they get even more development than he does.

Yet when he shows up, he's glorious to behold. He's got a great design, he towers over most buildings now, he resembles a fighting bear, and he's not a malevolent force that we must overcome somehow. And he shrugs off nukes, even eats them perhaps; it will take other kaiju of his power level in order to really bring him to his knees, and that's a definite plus to this version.

The human element has some stronger foundations, too. The effective Bryan Cranston has a role here as Joe Brody, who inadvertently discovers the presence of the M.U.T.O.s and kind of sets the plot in motion. Disaster and tragedy strikes, and we have to then fast forward to the present. He's determined to find out why the disaster occurred and why the government is running experiments where it happened. This gets him in the (non-hostile) crosshairs of his son Ford Brody, a military operator, who wants to bring him home. They reunite, investigate the disaster site, reconcile a bit, and discover that there's an immense danger present there. It's a dormant M.U.T.O., and it's about to wake up. This is where Bryan Cranston's character ends up getting killed, and the human element of the film suffers for it.

I don't have anything against Aaron-Taylor Johnson as an actor, but he doesn't exactly sell his role as Ford. He is certainly sympathetic and all, but he doesn't drive the plot forward until the very end when it makes a lot more sense for him to have any impact on it at all. Instead, Elizabeth Olsen as Ford's wife, who is a nurse who ends up right in the heat of Godzilla's battle with the M.U.T.O.s toward the end, does manage to elicit some interest, in spite of how brief her appearances. And then there's Ken Watanabe's character, a scientist who has been studying kaiju with the MONARCH project (they investigate things like this). The only notable thing about his character is that he's always in three modes in all of his scenes: looking surprised, looking shocked, and looking confused. He delivers his lines in monotone and really just serves to drive home the fact that this is very much, in fact, a Godzilla movie. 

The film does have some fun with its premise. Like in the good old days of the franchise, Godzilla has to meet a skyscraper-size match and do battle with it. In this movie's case, two (of the same species no doubt) adversaries that reportedly decimated Godzilla's species many eons ago. And the kaiju within these proceedings, especially his enemies, flat-out eat nukes for breakfast. They also deal untold destruction in trying to find a nesting ground so that they can replenish their numbers. Godzilla is tracking them and has a score to settle, and the only reason we know this at all is because the military somehow become privy to this inevitable showdown. And when the showdown does happen, it's pretty cool to watch. Our badass title character even unleashes not one, but two radioactive breath waves on his insectoid enemies.

And speaking of the M.U.T.O.s, and having previously mentioned how they actually do receive development throughout the film, they do come across as sympathetic antagonists. In one particular scene that will stand out with some viewers, the female and the male are clearly shown to be mating partners. They work together, look out for one another when they're in danger, and they even nuzzle. How cute. While their design leaves a little to be desired (they look rather unnatural), they at least come across as more interesting antagonists than otherwise, which is a plus. And then Ford Brody ends up destroying their egg-sacs, which puts the mother into flat-out berserk mode, all directed at him. You can't help but feel a bit of pity for her, given that all she's trying to do is help her species survive.

Then Godzilla, having dealt with the male (who, while significantly smaller in size than the female, has the advantage of flight) which was annoying our hero with hit & run tactics, sets his sights on the female. She's about to deal the killing blow against Ford when Godzilla grabs her and delivers a heavy dose of radioactive breath down her fucking throat. While you couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for the M.U.T.O.s, this triumph is nonetheless a glory to behold. He roars into the skies, signifying his place at the top of the world, and collapses in exhaustion. The next day, with the world watching, he awakens and heads back out to sea, with humanity cheering him on as the necessary but destructive force to save the world.

Now all of this may seem like they take place over a significant amount of time, but they in fact don't. Again, Godzilla hardly even shows up in this movie, which, I must remind everyone, is NAMED AFTER HIM. And when he finally does, the battle, while still fun to watch, doesn't exactly lift the film up from mediocrity all that much. It's certainly a plus to see him do battle, but considering all that preceded that segment of the film, it wasn't enough. However, knowing that Legendary wants to make this into a number of films, re-imagining his battles with his famous foes like Mothra & King Ghidorah, I think we can all rest assured that the franchise will go places that will satisfy what we want out of these types of films in the first place: sheer, monumentally-large fun.

Just give us more of the titular monster, please.

C+

The Good:

+ It's Godzilla

+ Godzilla has a really badass design. Some Japanese audiences didn't like it, but that's fine. I like him resembling an enormous bear. I like him having an ominous presence just because of how large he is. And I like how expressive he is now, such as showing that he, too, can feel pain and fear.

+   The M.U.T.O.s, while kind of off-putting in appearance (their eyes are evil looking, which is a nice touch), have a surprising depth to them. This takes them beyond the otherwise predictable role of "something for Godzilla to destroy."

+ It's not a depressing film.

+ Bryan Cranston delivers, as per usual.

The Bad: 

- For a film about Godzilla, he hardly even shows up. And by then it's another case of "too little, too late", or at least by some measure of the phrase.

- The human leads don't really warrant much interest.

- Bryan Cranston is only in the movie for about...15 to 20 minutes. And then he gets a bridge dropped almost literally right on top of him.

- Ken Watanabe's character & talent is rather wasted. He delivers his lines in a quiet monotone, like he just awoke from a coma that had left him weakened and confused.

- Feels a bit over-long.

- You don't get the best glimpse of Godzilla until he literally comes roaring into the picture, which further undermines his presence in the film.

- Seems to be more of a setup film than a confident, stand-alone film. It was meant to establish a shared universe, akin to the Marvel Cinematic Universe that Disney continues to put out. Unlike the MCU, which was carefully handled by Kevin Feige, this shared universe seems to be a bit forced from the word "go."

3000 Miles to Graceland Review (2001, Action/Adventure/Crime Thriller, Warner Bros./Franchise Pictures/Morgan Creek Productions)

This used to be a guilty pleasure.

But not anymore. Demian Lichtenstein was previously a music video and short film director, not having gained any kind of notable standing in the biz. This is his first full-length feature, and it really shows. I used to get some kind of kick out of watching this movie, even if it baffled me in so many ways (why even mention Graceland at all? They don't go anywhere near Graceland!), but since my last sitting I can't stand it anymore. Masochism only lasts for so long, I guess.

The opening sequence shows us one of the MANY flaws of the movie right out of the gate: misuse of resources and rather bland special effects. We have two cartoon portrayals of scorpions, rendered in laughable CGI, duking it out in the desert. Defenders of the film, even with few legs to stand on in the act, like to point out how this represents the conflict between the two main characters of the film. You know, Russell & Costner on the film poster. However, this sequence is too shitty to recommend and it coalesces into one of the most hit-and-miss parts of the movie. And that is saying something.

After some really lame jokes, including several fart jokes in quick succession, the plot seems to begin. Our "hero" Michael (Kurt Russell) runs into a bratty, 11-year old rip-off of Jesse James (he's even stated in the movie to be named after the legendary bandit) and he then runs into Courtney Cox, or Cybil (with a 'C' for emphasis, repeated throughout the film like a really poor gag). They have bizarre sex scenes, made so by the sheer theatricality of both, and Michael takes off for the heist.

Wait, what?

Yeah, so the point of all the Elvis impersonation is that it's a gimmick meant to get them into a casino so that they can rob it. It's also the Riviera. Now, the remake of Ocean's Eleven gave us a moderately entertaining build-up to the more entertaining final act, and so it works in that film. Here, there's almost no build-up at all and because of it, it doesn't work. Plus, Ocean's Eleven still saw the team having to give the heist their all; here, they just storm into the money-counting room, take what they want, and blast their way out. Where were the guards, anyway? The two security personnel who were watching the cameras were a complete joke, too, only catching on well after the money-grabbing was done. The team here shoot up the entire casino like they have lost all sanity, even blowing a dwarf through the air, and they help an old slot jockey woman win the jackpot (oh, yeah, this was supposed to make all of us laugh). Meanwhile, perhaps a symptom of poor editing, everyone who is watching the Elvis impersonation show seem to be completely oblivious to the carnage happening right around the corner. It's very off-putting when you seem to be watching two different movies in one, neither of them good to boot.

Anyway, a very preposterous cliche is committed on screen, following this turn of events: A lone gunman, a detective perhaps, comes running at the team as their elevator is about to ascend to the roof. The gunman gets his had stuck in the door as it closes, and he's firing wildly. It's a small elevator so at least ONE person should have been hit by now, right? Well, that one person has to be the one black man of the team. He is smack dab in the center of the gun's position, after all. Plus, Bokeem Woodbine was probably asking for more money for the role so they had to flip him the bird in some creative way. As they are flying away on helicopter, they try to revive him only to toss his dead body overboard. Roger Ebert made a commentary on this particular part of the movie and absolutely tore it to shreds because of it.

Then some hypocritical double-crossing happens and the actual plot kicks off. Cybil (with a 'C') and her snotty son tag along with Russell in order to make off with the money that Costner somehow didn't, and a chase ensues, Cybil (with a 'C') abandons her son with Russell in order to get that money for themselves (but she still likes Russell so it's okay or something), Costner catches up with them all in the Northwest United States (possibly Oregon or Washington), Ice-T shows up as a "one-man army" and gets killed within minutes because his character is actually an idiot, and Costner gets killed because he's the bad guy. And everyone else make off with the money on a boat while Uncle Kracker's fifteen minutes of fame still plays as the credits roll.

There are so many nonsensical sequences in this film that it is totally mesmerizing. Not in a good way, of course. The betrayal that Cybil (with a 'C') plays out in an awkward fashion while off-beat country music plays, oh and a Schnitzel is standing on the road next to Russell after he tries to stop Cybil (with a 'C') from getting away. Every scene with her son makes me want to kill the kid, but thankfully his acting career didn't seem to live on. A poorly-edited couple of scenes involving Jon Lovitz as a fence of sorts plays out, acting as a twist that Cybil (with a 'C') isn't actually dead. Some idiot of a lawyer (1-800-1GO-FREE!) shows up as a failed joke. Costner steals an inconspicuous mascot truck from an old man. Costner goes to a gas station, fills up his ride, douses the place in gasoline, kills its owner, steals the owner's wife (sister? Cousin? What the fuck?), blows bubble gum with her and gives her away to the leader of what actually looks like a low-rent 'biker gang'. The brat tries smoking and pukes doing it. Same brat previously relieved himself in a gas station bathroom, getting repulsed by what may have been the fifth fart joke in the movie so far. He manages to steal a hefty wallet from a guy he bumps into as he's walking. Russell is still the 'good guy' while all of this goes on.

Costner catches up with Cybil (with a 'C') and the brat while in that goofy truck, interspersed with snippets showing Cybil (with a 'C') 'reacting' to the hit & run tactics of Costner in truly bizarre and exaggerated ways. Previously, Russell & Cox have an argument in a hotel while Russell is naked (concealed by a towel, thank goodness) and Cox actually caresses him underneath. She wants more money from Russell but the latter tells her to shut up and keep pleasing his phallus. They report Russell's stolen car to the police and it ends up backfiring on him, also reuniting him with Costner for a few minutes. He gets bail thanks to the brat. Sappy revelations are made when they bring Cybil (with a 'C') to a secluded, but rather beautiful location overlooking the local treeline and she confesses to what she had done before. He leaves them to their devices. Oh yeah and later on, Costner teams up with his go-to-guy and says that they need a team of gunmen to hold off heavily-armed police. Ice-T shows up, probably making a few thousand for his brief appearance, and Costner understandably growls about the lack of a 'bunch of guys'. Go-to-guy assures Costner that Ice-T "IS a bunch of guys" and predictably, because this movie hates black people so fucking much Ice-T gets killed while spinning around shooting machineguns, on an overhead hook-line. The former's kill count remains a total mystery for the rest of the film. Go-to-guy takes a few bullets for Costner, Costner derides him, and Costner gets cornered. 

Before he gets cornered he "provides cover" for the brat, who Costner kidnapped and brought to this scene. Let's not forget that law enforcement won't 1) shoot at a minor who is 2) unarmed and not even the tiniest threat to the police, nor is he the fucking target. Costner has a big fucking machine-gun and mows down many of the local law enforcement before taking a number of shots himself. He stares himself in a mirror, revealing the love & hate relationship he has for himself, while Elvis music plays. Oh and I must state that previously in the movie, it is discussed that Murphy MAY just be one of Elvis' many illegitimate sons, and that Murphy believes he is such. Murphy also got into a goofy fucking shootout with some town Sheriff in the middle of nowhere, for no particular reason. Costner avoided the bullet, slightly, because the Sheriff's bullet BOUNCED off of Costner's bullet while his kept on course. Of course, Costner had to win that duel because physics only benefits the title characters.

Russell survives another shot to his torso, revealed to have been wearing YET another vest. He's taken away by, you guessed it, Cybil (with a 'C') and her bratty son, and they go to Russell's boat. They sail off, somewhere, with nary a care in the world for their destination and even the film doesn't give a toss. And that's a wrap.

I know I went kind of all over the place, but so did the film. Another thing that goes all over the damn place, other than the vapid plotline, is the soundtrack. This soundtrack makes no sense, other than when classic rock/R&B/blues play of course. We've got electronica, dance music, nu-metal, funk music, country, blues, contemporary pop; everything you can think of is in this soundtrack. The thing is, however, is that this soundtrack is total nonsense. Where's the theme of the whole thing? Why is Spineshank in the score? Why choose Uncle Fucking Kracker to close the film?

And the heist sequence. It should have played out later in the movie, with more buildup. Instead, it happens right away and it really isn't all that thrilling to watch. The stakes aren't that high, even, since they don't steal all that much money anyway. The gimmick is there, and that's fine, but no one in their right mind should care about the end-product of what we got for a "heist" movie. 

Then there's the fucking title, which is absolutely misleading. What the fuck does Graceland have to do with the entirety of the movie? Yeah, Elvis is from there, but Elvis, and the impersonation of such, is all that the film even brings up. The action plays out as far as the Midwest, but then slingshots back to the west coast. The title could have been totally different and it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

The film has quite an ensemble cast, with Courney Cox being the eye-candy (and she's really not a bad actress) and Russell being the anti-hero. Costner is obviously the big bad, but Costner lacks the gravitas to really sell it. Everyone else doesn't matter because they ALL die. And the movie fucking hates black people, because none of the black cast members get a good showing (the only one who doesn't die instead gets a broken nose, courtesy of Costner). And that fucking kid should have been killed. We also get David Arquette, Christian Slater, and even the meager Kevin Pollak. But all of them are wasted, even if David Arquette's role is relegated to that of 'comic relief' (note: pulling terrible dance moves, farting all the while, isn't my idea of comic relief), or Bokeem Woodbine is destined to fulfill the tired trope of "Black Man Dies First."  It's like if Steve Buscemi's "Carl" character from Fargo was fed into the wood chipper within five or ten minutes of screen-time; it would have sucked.

And the action isn't all that good. It's all flash with either a lack of or plain infuriating substance. Sometimes I felt like I was watching several different movies throughout its duration, accidentally spliced in and of course, doing nothing for the material at hand. And the direction is terrible. Lastly, why the fuck would you even put "Maryland" in the title when they don't go anywhere close to Maryland? It has nothing to do with the movie!


F

The Good:

+ Courtney Cox was sexy. Still kind of is today.
+ Kurt Russell TRIES, at least, to act in this role.
+ There's a Steve Ray Vaughn track that plays somewhere
+ There could have been something halfway decent here...

The Bad:

- ...however, the end result came out terrible.
- The plot
- Wasted cast.
- Kevin Costner hardly even tries as the bad guy.
- The heist plays out much too early.
- The "Black Man Dies First" trope is in full effect here.
- Those two fucking U.S. Marshalls don't do anything for me. Oh, they finally do something at the end, which is killing Murphy, but everything before that is an annoying distraction.
- This movie, in fact, hates black people. No black person is given a good role. And I'm Caucasian!
- Inconsistent soundtrack that hardly ever plays to the mood.
- I wanted to kill that Jesse kid.
- Poor editing. (The shootout in the casino is a strong example of this)
- Contains 5 or more fart jokes.
- The final third of the movie is sleep inducing.
- Ice-T is a "one-man army" who ends up only killing a couple of cops. Gets killed because he's spinning on an overhead hook-line shooting two sub-machineguns because ACTION MOVIE!
- Uncle Kracker music in the credits? Fuck you.
- Nonsensical plot twists.
- Totally insane diversions from the plot, including that gas station sequence. What is up with the girl? Why blow it up?

Teenage Mutant Megan Fox Review (2014, Action/Comedy/Sci-Fi, Paramount Pictures/Nickelodeon Films)

Cowabunga, said no Megan Fox ever.

Once mired by idiotic announcements that the film would be about alien, mutant, ninja, turtles who happen to be teenagers (?), as well as other Michael Bay hokum, people were worried for a while that this would be a complete flop of a movie. So Michael relented, sobered up just long enough to change his mind, and we then got this product. I won't lie; this film isn't Oscar material, but it does what it's supposed to. At least in most cases it does.

So the film follows our gang, after something like twenty-five minutes of poorly-acted April O'Neil thanks to the latent (still) talents of Megan Fox. A wasted opportunity Shredder and his boring-as-hell Foot clan are the bad guys. April O'Neil Megan Fox is connected to everybody in this universe, too, because Bay had to suck up to Fox in some way or another I guess. On another note, Fox apparently likes, or liked the comics so that had to mean she was going to do a stellar job, right? Well, if you didn't find some of her scenes in the first twenty or so minutes cringe-worthy then you might find the rest of the movie watchable since her role diminishes a little. Otherwise, I've warned you of what you're getting into. There's a reason I called this "Teenage Mutant Megan Fox" and that's because this film centers almost entirely around her.

Our heroes are treated exactly like the Transformers, which so happens to be another property that Michael Bay wanted to bless with his cerebral brand of film-making (I hope the sarcasm was obvious). They don't appear in full until around 25 or so minutes into the movie. And by the time they do appear it's revealed (in typical Bay fashion) that they're loud, superhumanly strong (I'll get to that in a bit), and make for ample opportunities of copious amounts of explosions. The latter point is Michael Bay 101 so given that he's the producer of this movie, you had to see it coming.

If this outing gets one thing right, it's the action. Future installment flaws aside (thanks to the aforementioned superhuman strength the turtles now possess), you can't pretend this movie isn't fun in any way. Incessant, freakishly annoying shaky cams aside, it's a blast watching them swing and kick, slice n' dice through The Foot, even if the Foot in this movie consists entirely of gun-toting goofballs who don't stand a chance against our heroes at all. The final fight scene in particular takes the cake, and let's not forget the Splinter vs. Shredder melee earlier on, the former of whom manages to hold his own against the antagonist for a few minutes before getting beaten. Keep in mind that the Shredder is utilizing a strength-enhancing suit of power armour, which was obviously the only way he could stand a chance against the turtles. Of course, while all that fun stuff happens, ordinary humans like April and what's his name, the guy who objectifies her every five seconds, can't even give us anything like the spectacle of the turtles because they're lame human beings with no superhuman strength to speak of.

That's roughly all the film actually gets right. The backstories are all fine enough, but it's the way it's executed that leaves some things to be desired. For one, April is at the center of fucking everything in this movie. She owned all the turtles AND Splinter as pets as a child; HER dad inadvertently performed experiments on them, not knowing they were for a sinister purpose (apparently carrying out a plan that was a ripoff of the first Amazing Spider-Man film which in this movie universe took at least a dozen years to execute); SHE has a connection to Eric Sachs/Sacks, one of the brains behind the evil plot of the movie; SHE put them in the sewers of New York (why?); SHE unites the turtles to fight a greater enemy; SHE manages to deliver the killing/defeating blow on the Shredder. That's not covering all the damn screen time she gets. Was Megan Fox really that damn attractive? I guess so!

That's not all of it, either. It's hard to discern whether this film is truly for kids or for youth, or adults, or god knows who because of the rampant sexual innuendo and imagery. We're not talking nudity here, but objectification (not to come across as a self-righteous type but it's quite blatant in this movie) of mainly Megan Fox. She's trying to do her part in the mountain scene? Let's focus on her ass hanging on the passenger window! Michaelangelo first meets O'Neil? Come across as a stalker type and drop highly-suggestive sexual innuendos, which, given the character's species and their 'assets', comes across as REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. O'Neil's reporter partner drops half-wit come-ons every chance he gets. Her first on-screen reporting immediately earns her comments about her boobs. Nobody takes her seriously, professionally OR personally, which includes the likes of a washed-up Whoopie Goldberg for crying out loud. So, why are we supposed to?

And then there's a scene where the turtles return home after having met Meg-- er April O'Neil in the flesh, only for them to be caught by Splinter having disobeyed an order. They are instructed to perform odd feats of endurance while Splinter teases them with...Pizza Hut. The entire scene would be right at home in the commercial segments of cable television, not in a god damn movie. It's such invasive advertising that I was taken aback by the audacity of it all. There's subtlety and then there's TMNT, in which shitty brands of greasy pizza made with no love & care gets advertised as if everyone involved depended on the act for dear life. I can handle subtle product placement in small doses, but such flagrant  commercialism is absolutely toxic to children who most certainly do watch movies like this, and most of all it is truly off-putting as it brings you back to shitty reality where pizzas like this exist.

You really do have to turn off your brain if you want this movie to work. And that's how it managed to succeed. The movie would have fared a tiny bit better had the cameras not been handled in such an inept fashion, thanks to non-stop shaky cams. And the turtles look fucking scary, and their persons are crowded with all kinds of crap that does nothing for them as characters. Oh and a little less Megan Fox would not have hurt, either.

In speaking of characters, namely that of the eponymous turtles, they barely have any. Michaelangelo so far is the only one of them to have developed a character, with Donatello coming in a moderate second. We see Leo & Raph bickering with one another but speaking for myself, I don't feel it. Really it seems to be that the only character traits that even survived in this version is what role each turtle serves for the group. Yet in that regard this film is extremely late to the party anyway. As the turtles are trying to save the day they all confess things to one another, with Raph going on a bender about how in spite of his fighting with them all (kind of a lost cause as it was poorly developed in the movie), it's all because he feels weak compared to the rest of them. Then all of that is played for laughs almost immediately.

Splinter probably gets the most character development of our mutant heroes, and he kind of kicks the most ass. He takes on the Shredder all by himself, and holds his own for a short period; he's the nucleus of the group; he's played by Tony Shalhoub. Oh and he has a really bizarre looking rat-stache.

There aren't as many explosions as you may think, considering this is a Michael Bay production through & through. But like any Bay film there are a host of puerile jokes to be heard, even a racist one here and there. In one scene, the turtles are returning to their sewer hideout in the most physics-defying way seen in films in a long time, and they all dive at the same time into a hole. You guessed it if you know what happens as a result but what really nails it is the oncoming fart joke. Yep, that should please the kids plenty for this one.

I think the real deal breaker for me here is that this film doesn't have a strong identity of its own. Yeah it's certainly the most kinetic and the shiniest Turtles property to date, but on its own it is at best a mediocre effort. All that saves it are the action scenes and even they pose problems because in this new continuity there are few characters who can stand toe to toe with the turtles because of their inexplicable super-human strength. Karai shows up in the movie, and in retrospect I have no idea why as she's not a physical match for the turtles at all. Shredder had to don a suit of power armour to take them on, and because it's likely been destroyed as of his defeat, he might have to mutate himself in order to pose a threat again. And then there's the Foot, who all kept shooting at the turtles' bulletproof bodies even though it was obviously futile, and otherwise had no fighting skill at all.

A sequel is underway, probably coming out for mid-Spring, and it is apparent that a few noisy complaints have been addressed. The turtles, for instance, won't be so over-detailed and thus, hideous. The Foot clan will be ninjas again. And Casey Jones makes an appearance. On the other hand, Tyler Perry will be one of the villains and we all know how much regard he has for this medium (he has none at all).

C

The Good: 
 + The action is fun.
+ Didn't end up the way Michael Bay originally intended.
+ Splinter (at first) hands Shredder his ass. Alone.
+ It ends.
+ The sequel is fixing some of the glaring issues with this film.
+ The elevator scene reminds us why the turtles are appealing in the first place.

The Bad:
- The Shredder isn't well played. He also NEEDS power amour to fight the turtles
- Why is Kirai even in the movie? She can't do anything except shout.
- The Foot are just gun-toting idiots.
- Rips off The Amazing Spider-Man entirely with the endgame scenario.
- That Pizza Hut endorsement.
- Sometimes nauseating shaky cam. Enough with this garbage!
- Is it for kids? Adults? Teenagers? Perverted old men? I am leaning towards the latter.
- Megan Fox still can't act.
- The turtles have superhuman strength, which seemed to replace their ninja fighting skills.
- The turtles look fucking scary.  
-  Megan Fox, or April O'Neil as we have to call her, is the center of the universe. 
- Takes 25 minutes for us to finally see the turtles. 
- VERY little character development, and the turtles are reduced to just archetypes.
 

Jurassic World review (2015, Action/Adventure/Science Fiction/Horror, Universal Pictures)

Life found a way.

The 1992 original was an accomplishment of film-making for the ages, to be written into history books. It set new standards, kicked dinosaur popularity into high-gear, and even brought some (long since obsolete) innovations to paleontology itself. Just those three achievements alone made the original a very difficult feat to replicate, let alone top off with a sequel. 

To speak of sequels means I should quickly spell out why both of them were not quite worthy of their production; The Lost World lost damn near all the sense of charm & wonderment, while III appeared more like a cash-grab than a legitimate attempt to keep fanning the flames first lit in 1992. The first sequel saw Ian Malcolm go to Site B to collect his girlfriend from certain (and definitely inevitable, given the character's weaknesses) demise although all sense of chaos and desperation was lost. The third film made sure to shoe-horn Dr. Grant for lip service, and to be the one sane guy in a jaunt amongst understandably pissed monsters. But that's in the past.

And this movie is kind of stuck in it.

Our subject, Jurassic World, was stuck in development hell for 10 long years. Colin Trevorrow, the director of the final product, wasn't always helmed in the role. Nor were Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing & Chris Pratt as Owen Grady originally slated to appear as characters. And the I.Rex was not originally intended to be the dino villain. But, that's what we ended up getting here and it's not to the film's detriment, but there's something amiss in the film that is. It's a particular feeling of...been there, done that.

This nigh $1 billion grossing, record-setting film doesn't do anything new for the franchise, and the little, few things it does that are new for the series are, of course, of little consequence. Nonetheless, these are neat new grounds to tread; the genetic mish-mash abomination in the Indominus Rex (casually referred to as the "I.Rex"), and Owen Grady's trainer/lion dynamic with the film's velociraptors. The former serves as the film's primary villain and displays a staggering degree of cognitive understanding & adaptive intellect, whilst the latter is a Chekov's gun.

The 1993 original film was lauded as a landmark achievement in special effects, thanks to the skills on hand at Industrial Light & Magic. Twenty-two years later and Jurassic World doesn't really up the ante at all, which is a shame, but it doesn't mean it is a step down. The Mosasaur is one of the more impressive feats to be seen in the film's run, and practical effects weren't completely bereft of their grandiosity and relevance. There was a gaffe that could have been corrected in the editing stage, however: an avian dinosaur can be seen clipping through the aviary in a blink & you'll miss it moment.

Otherwise, the film retreads much of the same ground previously trodden in the franchise  ̶   two children directly tied to park manager/owner find themselves in peril, something goes wrong in the park's defenses and all hell breaks loose, a dinosaur (or in this case, dinosaurs) save the day from the big bad Dino, and even character archetypes return. While repeating old tropes isn't in itself a bad thing, it's the stunning fact that the movie does nothing to stand out from the franchise that is.

Why is that inexcusable? Well, it's because of the previously mentioned development time, as more could have been done with the final release. Ten years could have, should have produced a superior flick. It could have truly surprised moviegoers and fans alike, but alas, it didn't do that for me. It paid too much lip-service to the previous films, especially the first, and did almost nothing to set itself apart.

It is a genuine thrill-ride, however. Damn near every scene with the I.Rex in it will see chaos and death ensue in the process, and the raptors are as nasty as ever. A new dinosaur to the films, the Mosasaur, makes a welcome entry into the fray and serves as an important plot device. The pteranodons have become menacing and are used by the villainous I.Rex to sow disarray and bloodshed. Bryce Dallas Howard manages to brave Isla Nublar in its entirety whilst wearing high heels for fuck's sake. And Star-Lord is the god damned alpha of a pack of raptors rather than the leader of galactic misfits. There can't be anything in this movie you'd say you didn't like no matter how stupid they were.

But there's plenty that you may not like at all. There are plot-holes left unexplained, there are leaps & outright debasements of logic, and then there's the fact that it took ten god damn years for moviegoers, whether they're fans or not, to get this rather mediocre installment. Owen Grady and, uh, Bryce Dallas Howard apparently have chemistry that we're supposed to believe is genuine. Yet, people probably paid more attention to Owen Grady being a headstrong badass who is a composite of Dr. Grant & Dr. Malcolm from the original film. The kids do evoke a sense of actual sibling chemistry, but it doesn't go anywhere in this film because it wasn't made to be a drama. At the same time, however, the older brother is a dick to the younger brother and really, these kids received so little development in comparison to those in the original movie so why should anyone really care? The woman who plays the assistant tasked with looking after them goes through what may be the biggest "kick the dog" moment in the franchise (a merit, albeit a kind of sad one, for the film indeed). And a few rather dull scenes involving the kids' parents, in the midst of a divorce (it is why the kids were sent off to Isla Nublar), add timid, rather pointless drama to a film that would rather be having fun.

Somehow, some cliche sci-fi villain dude thinks that raptors would make great replacements for highly-trained field infantry in the game of war. Somehow Owen gets his hands on the chunk of flesh  that the I.Rex ripped out of its own body in spite of the fact that Owen was nowhere near where the I.Rex did it. Somehow someone thought it was a good idea to go inside of the I.Rex's pen despite the lack of intel on where the fucking thing actually is. Somehow the park's owner has no idea what actually went into the I.Rex's design until the movie demands the 'shocking' revelation. Somehow the I.Rex catches up with Owen & Dearing when they're investigating the old park visitor center (well after the boys had left) even though it had been stated multiple times before that the I.Rex was on a direct course to the park proper. Somehow the boys are able to fix a 22 year old Jeep by replacing the battery for it, and the damn thing runs as if it were fresh out of the auto-shop. Somehow none of the idiots thought to trigger the shock collar technology they have on each dinosaur when there's a whole flock of avian dinos closing in on the park's visitors. Somehow Claire Dearing pulls off the entire flick walking/running around in high god damn heels, and even manages to outrun ol' Rexy wearing those fucking things. Somehow, and this is for last, why did someone think that the raptors (in spite of their clandestine status on the island and being feared so much because of previous movies) should be made all over again?

Oh and product placement. Holy fucking shit, guys.

And it really does have fun. But very little of the fun in the movie is original fun. I must re-iterate: this film took 10 god damn years to make. It was stuck in development hell for most of that duration, but there's little excuse to get a movie that hardly stands out on its own in a franchise that, in spite of its raw earning power, hasn't critically pleased anyone in over 20 years. At least it's guaranteed that a sequel will be ordered, but will they at least try to do something interesting with it?

                                                                             

C

The Good: 

+ Chris Pr--Star-Lord, leading a pack of (scientifically inaccurate) velociraptors. Stupid, but fun.

+ They didn't discard any all practical effects

+ Final battle is nonsensical but it is fun nonsense. 

+ The Mosasaur is a welcome addition to the bestiary.
+ A tad bit of tension can be felt in the scene where our hero has to investigate the I.Rex's compound.
+ That scene where the assistant gets chomped on by the Mosasaur. That scene.
+ It's another Jurassic Park movie. Only the first one truly stands the test of time (the rest are... serviceable at best).

The Bad: 

- In many ways this is a re-tread of the first film. Only that movie had a superior director, character development, tension, and Jeff Goldblum.
- It's PG-13.
- The special effects gaffe mentioned previously produces unintended chuckles.

- Somehow the boys manage to "fix" a vehicle that was left unattended with zero maintenance for twenty years running as if it were brand new. Keep in mind that the setting is tropical, and goes through hurricanes at least once a year. Also, one of the night vision goggles seen briefly in the original film, in spite of running on battery power, still works. Ever heard of battery drain? What about leakage?
- Hoskins is a very weak character with vaguely implied ties into the massacre in the park.
- Predictable plot that gets more predictable with the more shoutouts to previous films that you can literally rattle off by the minute.
- What kind of park and its owners doesn't understand what their most ferocious dinosaur is made from?
- A few forced lines of comedy.
- The CGI is on overload in comparison to the original movie, which used it sparingly. And to top it all off it hasn't even grown all that much better in quality since 22 years ago.
- Owen is a total jackass to Claire
- Claire is a total airhead and is not fit to manage a park with giant killer animals that should have been left extinct in the first place.
- Nowhere near as suspenseful as the original movie.
- A leap in logic regarding how the raptors behave in the movie.
- The fight at the end, in spite of its entertainment value, very likely wouldn't have happened if the film didn't predictably call for the action contained within.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   EDIT: Wanted to update some of the body of the review to coincide with my vwawdd                                                                                                                                                            

Tomb Raider Review (PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One, PC, Mac, 2013, Crystal Dynamics/Square Enix/Eidos Interactive/Feral Interactive)

Look at that headline. Oh and spoilers are ahead.

And forget about it, because survival is hardly the point of the game at all. You know what it really is? It's to get off the island with a sordid history with your guns blazing. If you have to route hundreds of desperate lunatics loaded for bear on the way to your escape, then so be it. Oh and, since Lara is conveniently an archaeology student, you'll find some artifacts in your journey. But that's really not the point of this entry in the series.

Not at all.

Already we're off to a great start with this review. And it's not to foreshadow a negative one, really, it is just a means of venting some of my frustrations with this game. I've been a fan of this series since the first game, and short of the Crystal Dynamics titles (which left fans divided), I've played them all. They certainly did suffer from sequelitis given that each title was released year after year, but you always got an all-new story and a whole slew of new challenges to come with them. Yes, they didn't all have tombs, and arguably the best entry in the series, the third game, didn't even have any, but if you're going to include tombs then at least make them worth your while. Also, the point of the old games wasn't to kill everything in sight over and over again, it was to explore obscure areas to obtain an artifact of great power. 

The essence of the series is virtually gone in this title. How so, you may ask?

There are tombs, sure, but they were most likely an afterthought. Each one follows the same exact formula: go through a brief walk wherein you can't draw any weapons (for whatever reason, given that nothing happens each time) and you hold a source of light, come across some kind of chamber with a puzzle (I previously used the plural, which is inaccurate), then solve the puzzle to access a chest full of...XP. I'm not kidding, all you get is XP when you beat these admittedly piss-easy 'tombs'. With almost no exception are there are pitfalls or traps to overcome in this game's tombs, so what the fuck is the point of including them at all when you just get some experience points out of them and nothing actually interesting, like artifacts?

Oh and, if you're a glutton for the saturated shooter market, then you'll love this title. In spite of the mysterious traits of the island, where you apparently cannot leave due to some magical forces, you're too busy gunning down hundreds of boring mooks through almost the entire game. They are nutty, desperate, and are effectively a small army. This game was compared quite often to Far Cry 3, and given some of the features shared between the two games, it's kind of apt. On another front, you'll think that this was a Michael Bay production, because explosions occur often inexplicably as if there are barrels of petroleum everywhere. Oh and there's a lot of blood; a hell of a lot. Even a god damn creek consists of seemingly none other than blood. And Lara swims through it.

And spills it a lot, too.

Lots of detractors of the series would complain about the old Lara's ridiculous chest proportions, calling it a sexist portrayal of women (they'd be about half-right). Where are those some detractors in regard to this game, where she becomes a gung-ho mass slaughterer with mood swings? First she was an oversexed but cold anti-hero, and now she's a blood knight on a killing spree. Poor Lara will never be a proper role model at this rate.

So another thing I'd like to complain about is the nature of the game world. It seems open world, and it kind of is in some regards. One way is that it allows you to travel from one save spot to another upon their discovery. Also, each major location has a number of collectibles and minor sub-quests to endure, requiring very little thought to complete. However, that's really where this aspect ends and where the sheer linearity, deceptively hidden from the casual player at that, becomes obvious. You're only allowed to explore so much before you're rendered unable to go where you feel like. This game relies on context-sensitive controls, such as Lara hoisting herself onto the top of ledges and grabbing onto the sides of cliffs to climb them. You can only do those actions, among others, wherever the developers wanted you to go. Because if you could go where you wanted to then the game's flaws would start to become readily apparent to you. That's what I assume, anyway.

I must say, though, that this game is fucking gorgeous. It may not possess the most striking level of detail seen in gaming, even for its release year, but it's definitely well designed. The single best looking aspect of the game is Lara herself, who looks so human that I thought I was dreaming. The sheer amount of work that went into her design, from her skin to the way dirt & blood smears her person, and then how the lighting and shadows bring out the best and the worst in her, is absolutely impressive. You won't leave all that impressed by anything else but when you're near the coastal areas of the island, you'll see some spectacular, yet chaotic vistas that are appropriate given the theme of the game.

In spite of my knocking of the excessive action sequences, they are not without a strength or two. If you dig this kind of non-stop action then this game won't disappoint. And it can get a little tense at times, which is always welcome. However, there's just not much depth to any of them because you don't have to worry about much in the face of battle. In the old games, you had non-regenerating health and had limited means of healing; here, you have much less health but it regenerates quickly if you hide, like almost all action games seem to do these days. 

Let's develop on that last bit there. One thing this game is missing from the old titles is an inventory system; it is non-existent here. Gone are the days of managing your limited resources, and cherishing each pickup that you'd find in the Tomb Raider games of yore. Here, you pick up so much ammo so often, and are given new weapons so easily that you really don't come to care much about any of them. They're simply a way of quickly neutralizing all the bad guys you face constantly. You can also use your ice pick to brutally kill foes from a short range. Oh and as mentioned above, don't worry about health kits, because if you're hurt then all you need to do is hide for a moment or two to heal. As a consequence of the lack of inventory, there are no meaningful secrets to discover, no hidden rewards for actually exploring the environment.

If anything else, the battles become tedious because there's no depth to beating them except for making sure she doesn't die. If you can aim your gun and pull the trigger, then that's really all there is to it. Sure, the old games weren't much better than this, but you had to account for your vulnerabilities as well. When you're close to death, the game grays out, so it's hard to die at all. Enemies are not strategically placed, and don't poise a challenge, but rather act as props to shoot at. They do take cover, and may have various abilities/equipment that will add variety to each encounter, but the old games had this too, in spades. 

Lara does control well, though. She's also well animated, given that there is motion capture at work. But she responds to your actions accordingly and with fluidity, which is a good touch.

In the games of old, Lara often keeled over and died; it was uncommon for her death to play out differently, unless she of course landed on spikes. In this game, however, her deaths are cruel and gruesome. She's even subjected to a near-fatal beatdown by two of the nutbars you have to kill in the game, and much earlier she's threatened with rape. At the get-go, Lara gets impaled and set on fire. Fail to match the on-screen prompts right and she'll get crushed beneath tonnes of rock, impaled on re-bar, get impaled through the head, and many other things. She endures multiple injuries throughout the course of the plot. This game is brutal as far as violence goes, because you can put your enemies through hell too, including jabbing an axe into your enemies' jugulars. It's a wonder none of the detractors towards the second and third Tomb Raider games were screaming bloody murder in regards to this one.

There are a lot of set pieces to go through in this game, so you'll have to come to live with it. Most of the time these set pieces are playable, to an extent, but where the old games would leave it completely up to you to overcome the challenges, this game just sends buttons prompts your way that are more trial & error based than skill-based. Also, reports from players of earlier versions of the PC port cited the inability to correctly complete some or all quick-time events, due to a few bugs. They're also highly numerous, often in excess, and it's a common criticism that must be emphasized. If you can't stand QTEs, then you're going to be annoyed to all hell when you play through this game.

After playing through the game completely the first time, I noticed a few game design choices that I would like to call 'condescending'. The aforementioned QTEs, which comes in such a quantity as to feed Africa were it a food source, are one of those things. Another condescending game design comes in the form of the Survival Instinct feature, that which can be abused as needed by the player. It highlights all interactive objects/items/terrain in your immediate vicinity, and even shows pillars of light for far away places of interest such as checkpoints. As indicated, it can be used ad nauseum; there is no limit as to how long or how often you can use it. So if you just want to plow through a "puzzle" section, of which there are few that are worth critical thought, just press the button to execute the Survival Instinct ability and have your hand held.

Another condescending game design is in how little the game expects you to master. Want to traverse a narrow length of wood requiring intense focus and balancing? Just jump at it and Lara clings to it, never at risk of falling off unless a cutscene demands it. Want to even try exploring your surroundings beyond the small hub sections? The game will outright refuse to acknowledge what you're doing as you plummet to your death. Want to learn on your own how to perform, and thus improve, the abilities you learn over the course of the game? Well fuck you, says Crystal Dynamics, because we're going to tell you how to do everything new and leave nothing to the imagination.

So let's get down to the story: Lara and a group of friends are on an expedition near Japan, and they get shipwrecked near an island. It becomes immediately apparent that previous ships have met the same fate, so something does seem off. Lara is separated from her group and has to find them whilst avoiding a number of pitfalls. As she gets further into the island, it is clear that a bunch of crazies inhabit the island. Soon after meeting up with the gang, they set out to escape from the island. Yet some force is preventing their exodus, and they have to deal with the army of crazy assholes with guns and all that.

That's pretty much the gist of the story. A rescue plane gets struck by lightning and crashes; there's ritual sacrifice to appease some spirit; an army of undead samurai sets their sights on Lara, and other crap. It's not terrible but it doesn't do anything remotely intriguing with its premise. In actuality, it is an excuse to kill more and more bad guys. After all, the focus of the game is not on the adventure & hunting of artifacts, but of trying to get off of the island and shooting everything in your way.

There's nothing wrong with innovation, of taking an old formula further than ever before. But this game took steps backward, and not forward. Somehow Crystal Dynamics took a series that had an identity of its own into territory that renders it generic & trite. Fantastic visuals and sometimes thrilling action sequences can't save this game from earning much of my displeasure. It may be somewhat unfair to compare it so heavily to previous entries in the franchise, but how could you fault me for doing so when I consider it one of my favorite game series of all time? 

The Rundown:

Positives 

+ Some of the best visuals you'll experience out of 2013

+ It is very story-driven, so if you're into that, then this will deliver.

+ To expand on the above, Lara Croft looks stunningly real. The detail on her is borderline crazy.

+ Has a few legitimately thrilling action sequences.

+ There is a tiny bit of exploration to do, so it's not a straight-up linear game.

+ Lara gets a lot of focus, and has a bit of character development too, which was admittedly in short supply in older games.

+ It does have tombs, but...

Negatives

- Why have tombs when you won't do anything exciting or challenging with them? It's pretty much pointless. Solve a simple puzzle, avoid no traps or pitfalls, and open up a chest at the end that rewards experience points. Rinse & repeat. Screw that shit.

- Way too many QTEs for my liking, and they're too finicky, so they often end up killing the player character because of somewhat shoddy programming.

- The story is kind of dull. Doesn't help that it takes a big backseat to the actual gameplay.

- No inventory or any kind of item management.

- Sometimes resembles a Michael Bay flick with the constant explosions.

- No survival gameplay to speak of, despite the "a survivor is born" tagline.

- Takes several steps backward and ends up being a generic third-person shooter with light adventure elements thrown in.

- Has one of the most condescending game mechanics ever programmed in the history of gaming: the survival instinct function, which highlights everything important in the game world. Say bye to actual exploration and/or honing of skills.

- None of the characters you deal with are intriguing and besides, this game is not about them, but about Lara. So why should we care?

- The undead samurai enemies you fight near the end are far easier to defeat than one would hope, so their eventual appearance in-game loses all menace.

- It's so violent and cynical yet I wonder why we, as gamers, are supposed to take all of it so seriously in spite of the series being heavily inspired by the Indiana Jones franchise.

C