Teenage Mutant Megan Fox Review (2014, Action/Comedy/Sci-Fi, Paramount Pictures/Nickelodeon Films)

Cowabunga, said no Megan Fox ever.

Once mired by idiotic announcements that the film would be about alien, mutant, ninja, turtles who happen to be teenagers (?), as well as other Michael Bay hokum, people were worried for a while that this would be a complete flop of a movie. So Michael relented, sobered up just long enough to change his mind, and we then got this product. I won't lie; this film isn't Oscar material, but it does what it's supposed to. At least in most cases it does.

So the film follows our gang, after something like twenty-five minutes of poorly-acted April O'Neil thanks to the latent (still) talents of Megan Fox. A wasted opportunity Shredder and his boring-as-hell Foot clan are the bad guys. April O'Neil Megan Fox is connected to everybody in this universe, too, because Bay had to suck up to Fox in some way or another I guess. On another note, Fox apparently likes, or liked the comics so that had to mean she was going to do a stellar job, right? Well, if you didn't find some of her scenes in the first twenty or so minutes cringe-worthy then you might find the rest of the movie watchable since her role diminishes a little. Otherwise, I've warned you of what you're getting into. There's a reason I called this "Teenage Mutant Megan Fox" and that's because this film centers almost entirely around her.

Our heroes are treated exactly like the Transformers, which so happens to be another property that Michael Bay wanted to bless with his cerebral brand of film-making (I hope the sarcasm was obvious). They don't appear in full until around 25 or so minutes into the movie. And by the time they do appear it's revealed (in typical Bay fashion) that they're loud, superhumanly strong (I'll get to that in a bit), and make for ample opportunities of copious amounts of explosions. The latter point is Michael Bay 101 so given that he's the producer of this movie, you had to see it coming.

If this outing gets one thing right, it's the action. Future installment flaws aside (thanks to the aforementioned superhuman strength the turtles now possess), you can't pretend this movie isn't fun in any way. Incessant, freakishly annoying shaky cams aside, it's a blast watching them swing and kick, slice n' dice through The Foot, even if the Foot in this movie consists entirely of gun-toting goofballs who don't stand a chance against our heroes at all. The final fight scene in particular takes the cake, and let's not forget the Splinter vs. Shredder melee earlier on, the former of whom manages to hold his own against the antagonist for a few minutes before getting beaten. Keep in mind that the Shredder is utilizing a strength-enhancing suit of power armour, which was obviously the only way he could stand a chance against the turtles. Of course, while all that fun stuff happens, ordinary humans like April and what's his name, the guy who objectifies her every five seconds, can't even give us anything like the spectacle of the turtles because they're lame human beings with no superhuman strength to speak of.

That's roughly all the film actually gets right. The backstories are all fine enough, but it's the way it's executed that leaves some things to be desired. For one, April is at the center of fucking everything in this movie. She owned all the turtles AND Splinter as pets as a child; HER dad inadvertently performed experiments on them, not knowing they were for a sinister purpose (apparently carrying out a plan that was a ripoff of the first Amazing Spider-Man film which in this movie universe took at least a dozen years to execute); SHE has a connection to Eric Sachs/Sacks, one of the brains behind the evil plot of the movie; SHE put them in the sewers of New York (why?); SHE unites the turtles to fight a greater enemy; SHE manages to deliver the killing/defeating blow on the Shredder. That's not covering all the damn screen time she gets. Was Megan Fox really that damn attractive? I guess so!

That's not all of it, either. It's hard to discern whether this film is truly for kids or for youth, or adults, or god knows who because of the rampant sexual innuendo and imagery. We're not talking nudity here, but objectification (not to come across as a self-righteous type but it's quite blatant in this movie) of mainly Megan Fox. She's trying to do her part in the mountain scene? Let's focus on her ass hanging on the passenger window! Michaelangelo first meets O'Neil? Come across as a stalker type and drop highly-suggestive sexual innuendos, which, given the character's species and their 'assets', comes across as REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. O'Neil's reporter partner drops half-wit come-ons every chance he gets. Her first on-screen reporting immediately earns her comments about her boobs. Nobody takes her seriously, professionally OR personally, which includes the likes of a washed-up Whoopie Goldberg for crying out loud. So, why are we supposed to?

And then there's a scene where the turtles return home after having met Meg-- er April O'Neil in the flesh, only for them to be caught by Splinter having disobeyed an order. They are instructed to perform odd feats of endurance while Splinter teases them with...Pizza Hut. The entire scene would be right at home in the commercial segments of cable television, not in a god damn movie. It's such invasive advertising that I was taken aback by the audacity of it all. There's subtlety and then there's TMNT, in which shitty brands of greasy pizza made with no love & care gets advertised as if everyone involved depended on the act for dear life. I can handle subtle product placement in small doses, but such flagrant  commercialism is absolutely toxic to children who most certainly do watch movies like this, and most of all it is truly off-putting as it brings you back to shitty reality where pizzas like this exist.

You really do have to turn off your brain if you want this movie to work. And that's how it managed to succeed. The movie would have fared a tiny bit better had the cameras not been handled in such an inept fashion, thanks to non-stop shaky cams. And the turtles look fucking scary, and their persons are crowded with all kinds of crap that does nothing for them as characters. Oh and a little less Megan Fox would not have hurt, either.

In speaking of characters, namely that of the eponymous turtles, they barely have any. Michaelangelo so far is the only one of them to have developed a character, with Donatello coming in a moderate second. We see Leo & Raph bickering with one another but speaking for myself, I don't feel it. Really it seems to be that the only character traits that even survived in this version is what role each turtle serves for the group. Yet in that regard this film is extremely late to the party anyway. As the turtles are trying to save the day they all confess things to one another, with Raph going on a bender about how in spite of his fighting with them all (kind of a lost cause as it was poorly developed in the movie), it's all because he feels weak compared to the rest of them. Then all of that is played for laughs almost immediately.

Splinter probably gets the most character development of our mutant heroes, and he kind of kicks the most ass. He takes on the Shredder all by himself, and holds his own for a short period; he's the nucleus of the group; he's played by Tony Shalhoub. Oh and he has a really bizarre looking rat-stache.

There aren't as many explosions as you may think, considering this is a Michael Bay production through & through. But like any Bay film there are a host of puerile jokes to be heard, even a racist one here and there. In one scene, the turtles are returning to their sewer hideout in the most physics-defying way seen in films in a long time, and they all dive at the same time into a hole. You guessed it if you know what happens as a result but what really nails it is the oncoming fart joke. Yep, that should please the kids plenty for this one.

I think the real deal breaker for me here is that this film doesn't have a strong identity of its own. Yeah it's certainly the most kinetic and the shiniest Turtles property to date, but on its own it is at best a mediocre effort. All that saves it are the action scenes and even they pose problems because in this new continuity there are few characters who can stand toe to toe with the turtles because of their inexplicable super-human strength. Karai shows up in the movie, and in retrospect I have no idea why as she's not a physical match for the turtles at all. Shredder had to don a suit of power armour to take them on, and because it's likely been destroyed as of his defeat, he might have to mutate himself in order to pose a threat again. And then there's the Foot, who all kept shooting at the turtles' bulletproof bodies even though it was obviously futile, and otherwise had no fighting skill at all.

A sequel is underway, probably coming out for mid-Spring, and it is apparent that a few noisy complaints have been addressed. The turtles, for instance, won't be so over-detailed and thus, hideous. The Foot clan will be ninjas again. And Casey Jones makes an appearance. On the other hand, Tyler Perry will be one of the villains and we all know how much regard he has for this medium (he has none at all).

C

The Good: 
 + The action is fun.
+ Didn't end up the way Michael Bay originally intended.
+ Splinter (at first) hands Shredder his ass. Alone.
+ It ends.
+ The sequel is fixing some of the glaring issues with this film.
+ The elevator scene reminds us why the turtles are appealing in the first place.

The Bad:
- The Shredder isn't well played. He also NEEDS power amour to fight the turtles
- Why is Kirai even in the movie? She can't do anything except shout.
- The Foot are just gun-toting idiots.
- Rips off The Amazing Spider-Man entirely with the endgame scenario.
- That Pizza Hut endorsement.
- Sometimes nauseating shaky cam. Enough with this garbage!
- Is it for kids? Adults? Teenagers? Perverted old men? I am leaning towards the latter.
- Megan Fox still can't act.
- The turtles have superhuman strength, which seemed to replace their ninja fighting skills.
- The turtles look fucking scary.  
-  Megan Fox, or April O'Neil as we have to call her, is the center of the universe. 
- Takes 25 minutes for us to finally see the turtles. 
- VERY little character development, and the turtles are reduced to just archetypes.
 

Resident Evil 6 Review (PS3, Xbox 360, PC, 2012/2013, Capcom)

Talk about a divisive game.

The last few Resident Evil titles are not without their critics, let alone those who are outright dismissive of them. However, in spite of the very vocal bandwagon that derides this game at every turn and all that they say this game is guilty of, there are some things you can consider positive about this outing.

What we have here is pretty much a cash cow franchise. Almost two dozen games have been released with the name, with very few of them considered non-canon (Gaiden comes to mind). Three of them managed to sell upwards of five million or more copies, it has spawned a lacklustre but financially reliable film series, a bunch of shitty novelizations have since been written, and it has become a focal point of the survival horror genre. 

Then again, Resident Evil 6 is not considered survival horror anymore. Would that be a correct assertion? Overwhelmingly in the face of all odds; yes, this is not a survival horror title. Survival elements are at a minimum, and frankly there's too much shit going on at almost any one time for it to be considered horror; it's not visceral, it doesn't play on your fears, and it's just not scary. But is that really so much of a detriment? Has this series ever been all that scary, considering that only the first game (and it's startlingly good remake) actually managed to be so?

This is an action game, through and through. It has very light horror elements, namely in Leon & Helena's campaign, but you won't leave scared. The tension is very low, as well, only ever coming to fruition during a frustrating sequence (typically quick-time events, though this game is more forgiving than most in that regard) or a halfway challenging boss battle. Otherwise, this is a straight up action shooter, and it doesn't suffer from that. If you just stop looking at it as an entry in a "scary" game series, which the series has almost never been (again, take note of the one exception), then you may be able to look at it with less unfair scrutiny.

The amount of effort put into this game is quite evident: a sprawling, if not overstuffed story, large cast of characters, up to six hours of gameplay per chapter (and there are four of them), possibly the best Mercenaries incarnation yet, and a fantastic roster of enemies means that Capcom didn't quite skimp on anything here. The old favorite zombies return, nastier than ever, almost acting as a foil to the Ganados/Majini-like J'avo. The difficulty is downright brutal at times, which doesn't include the ridiculously over-used quick-time mechanic. And each character has their own movesets and playstyles, setting them apart from the rest.

Yet there are many problems present. One is in the sheer length of the story mode, and just how inconsequential it ends up feeling. Too much crap is piled into the story and it just doesn't end up working all that well after what feels like thirty hours into the game. Most of the time, each character storyline simply meshes into the overall narrative shared between them, so it means that you're only really taking on a different perspective of the same incidents depicted in the plotline. Only Ada's campaign comes off as meaningful, because the rest are burdened by red herrings: Leon & Helena are hell-bent on killing the guy who jumpstarted the viral infection, at least in their starting location; Chris & Piers are hell-bent on capturing/killing Carla who thinks she's pulling all the strings; Jake & Sherry are just trying to get the hell out of dodge pretty much. While all of that crap is going on, Ada is unraveling every villain's plans & giving everyone cover at one point or another, effectively curbing the apocalypse just about all on her own. If any character is the real main character in this drawn out story, it is Ada, because she has the most far-reaching effects on the entire plot. Which is a neat touch considering how much of an enigma she is in the other games, but this really could have been just her game and it wouldn't have suffered for it. The other character storylines would have been better used as shorter bonus chapters, but then people would mostly have ignored them anyway.

And then those fucking quick time events come into play. And how often they do!

Do I need to haunt myself with the knowledge that these things exist in such an abundant supply in Resident Evil 6? This game contains more of them in just the tutorial than half of any of the previous games combined. And they often occur as part of what should be normal gameplay, usually as a dodge mechanic or simply because Capcom tried, and failed miserably, at cramming too many controls into the game. I'll get into that last bit later but this game is brought down by the sheer number of button prompts, big-time. The only upside at all is that they aren't buggy (at least from my experience) and they are a bit more forgivable than most. That's not much of a defense, though; this mechanic will be seen as an anachronism quite quickly, if games don't fucking drop them soon enough.

Another plague, perhaps a plantar's wart on the foot of this game if you will, is the camera. It is hands-down, the single-worst camera system in the series' history. No other game comes close. When I played the demo, I had no idea just how nauseating the camera can be. Just the act of running (a neat but long overdue gameplay mechanic) forces the camera into conniption fits, with it bouncing wildly with each stride. It gets caught in the scenery often, and the angles that it defaults to are horrendous, requiring constant readjustment from the user. Sometimes it's a battle against the camera that leads to the player getting killed, and that alone makes this a huge negative for the game.

Of additional note is both the interface and more importantly, the controls. The interface isn't entirely bad, but it requires understanding just what the fuck it all means. There are symbols for each option and while it is mostly common-sense, you're often too busy fighting against the real-time nature of the pause menu to figure out what each option does without clicking on the quit button. But what is worse yet is the control system. It's just as bloated as the storyline, if not moreso. There are so many commands to pull off in this game that I don't even think the game itself lists all of them. 

Often is the case where you have to pull of multiple combinations of each & every button, sometimes just to pull off rather arbitrary moves. Want to dodge an incoming attack? Hold the attack button and press the run button. Want to perform a dive-roll? Hold the attack button while moving forward and press the run button, too. Want to, almost pointlessly at that, switch your orientation from the default left side of the screen to the other? Well, learn yet another combination of buttons. Get used to it, and try to remember it. This is excessive and unneeded. Less is definitely more here, and I hope Capcom learned something in this regard.

In spite of these flaws, and there are certainly more, this game does have its strengths. It can be legitimately fun, there are a number of mechanics that were long overdue such as the ability to sprint and free-standing melee attacks (limited by your energy gauge), and like I mentioned, the enemies are great. And about the only good thing about Jake & Sherry's campaign is also one of the most badass things in the series; the Ustanak, who is the successor in virtually every regard to Nemesis. You may or may not come to embrace the eventual final exit of this juggernaut, which is something of an accomplishment in this bloated story. And this game does challenge you at times, legitimately outside of those dastardly quick-time events. Often it is because the game conceals easily missed but simple ways of moving the game forward, or taking down a boss, clearly because most players come to expect something much more out of these situations. And the game has a skill system that adds some depth to how you play, allowing for all sorts of combinations each time. 

The Mercenaries, as mentioned previously, makes a marvelous return. And while it may turn off some players because of its difficulty, for seasoned players such as myself it is a welcome evolution. Couple the game's new controls (which is certainly a good & very bad thing at the same time) with that which has been established in the last couple of games, and you have a clear winner. There are many stages to tackle, there are unique challenges in each, the enemy progressively gets nastier over time with each successive kill, and you get a feeling of accomplishment through it all.

And while it certainly does recycle a lot of the functional foundations of the gameplay (many animations and moves, even some sounds and mechanics, are noticeable to a seasoned player such as myself), it doesn't have a shortage of newly-created assets. If anything, the game has a lot to offer, but it all feels so fragmented so as to lose cohesion between it all. And if the storyline didn't suffer from excess and from one frustrating forced cinematic sequence after another after another after another, it wouldn't hurt so bad. I don't live in a bubble where I truly believe that this series was ever, with the exception of the original game, scary. And I don't clamor for the days where we had fixed camera angles, tank controls, and sometimes superfluous item management in the classic games. Not to say they were bad, but they were wearing thin to a point.

Here's to another title, addressing all of its legitimate issues and paying heed to none of the obsessive bullshit from bandwagon-riding detractors.

The Rundown:

Positives

+ The Mercenaries returns, delightfully.

+ Has overall the best graphics in the series yet.

+ In spite of the overlong storyline, it has its engaging parts.

+ New character Jake opens up new gameplay styles.

+ Ada's chapter shines among the mostly "meh" ventures preceding it.

+ Adds an actual sprint function, actual dodge ability, and free-standing melee (perform it at any time), among other things.

+ Almost all of the enemies are a blast to, well, blast away or boot in the face. 

+ Zombies make a return, and they're nastier than ever.

Negatives

- The story mode feels way too long for its own good, and overstays its welcome.

- In spite of Leon's short-lived atmospheric appeal, and Jake's hybrid of survival & high-octane action, Ada's campaign is the only one really worth playing.

- Complicated and overpopulated controls.

- The most quicktime events ever witnessed in a single Resident Evil title yet. Just the tutorial section had about a dozen of them, all amounting to about five minutes of gameplay!

- A few bugs affecting play, most noticeable in the Mercenaries.

- That fucking camera is about as bad as watching any Michael Bay film. In other words, it stricken with attention deficit disorder AND an extreme case of Parkinson's disease.

- Zombies all over the place, with dynamite, at every turn is more frustrating than anything else (The Mercenaries: No Mercy mode)

- No one plays the multiplayer anymore.

- Somewhat poorly conceived UI.

- Inconsequential story conclusion and a misguided primary villain.

C+