This is about a certain person whom, even after a recent chain of disingenuous behavior, I still consider a friend. She knows who she is. I've talked about her a lot in the past month, because I had, or probably still have, feelings for her. A connection, if you will. Mind you, none of it is simple, "I love her she's beautiful LOL" crap, it's quite different from that. Anyway, for the sake of her privacy, I'm referring to her anonymously. It's only fair, and I don't want to make this seem like a slander piece (because it isn't).
She broke up with a guy a couple weeks ago. It was a long awaited thing, something that should have happened long ago. You'd think that someone who really knows what they want for themselves would have broke off ties with a guy that abuses them in pretty much every way imaginable, but she didn't. Well, good thing she made the right choice for herself; at least, the second or third time that I know of.
Ever since that day, which was on the 12th of this month, she's changed dramatically. I can't really pin down what may be the reason(s) for this change, but I know that none of it has to do with me. I can understand if she's confused about a lot of things as of that breakup, but because of one of her actions yesterday, I think it's no longer a valid nor acceptable excuse. This certain thing she did has to do with a very generous thing I did for her back on the 8th of this month. I got her a cell phone, and a cell plan. She didn't ask me it; I offered it to her. I was hoping that, by doing that for her, I could benefit not only her but the both of us. I was hoping we could communicate in a better medium than the usual stuff, which is, sad to say, Windows Live Messenger. There's several reasons I did that for her, and you'd think that she'd show her appreciation somehow (even though you can't really hold expectations of people, since, like with her, they tend to disappoint). However, I was quite wrong!
Since the breakup, things seemed to go downhill between us in a way. Communication almost ceased to a standstill; she insisted we only talk over a god damn Instant Messenger. She didn't want me to talk to her on the phone, even though I'm sure she talked and still talks with plenty of other guys over the phone. And with regards to text messaging, her responses were not only rare, but intolerably vague. For example, she'd say, "Sorry can't text." Sure, there is an overall point to that message, but there is no 'why', 'how', and 'when' to that response. She'd also recycle something along the likes of, "my battery's dying, ttyl" quite often, hardly ever living up to the closing bit. My gut feeling was that she was giving me an excuse to not talk to her, but I won't jump to conclusions, just for the sake of knowing that she's not exactly an indecent nor an out-and-out disingenuous person. I'd hate to think either way, but she's giving me no chance to see otherwise lately.
Well, I didn't get to the real point of this note. She told me she was going to personally bring her part of the phone bill yesterday, somewhere between noon and 3 in the afternoon. Suffice to say, she did disappoint. Later on, while VASTLY disappointed nonetheless, and feeling as uncertain as ever (I'm pretty much nearing my limits now), I talked to her mom on the phone. I told her about it and she suggested I take something back. Well, I think that's the best course of action now. If 'anonymous' wants to keep the cell phone I BOUGHT HER, then she should pay straight up. She's a responsibility in that, after all, so she should learn to live up to them. So not only did she pretty much neglect staying true to her word (basically, she lied to me), she also neglected a duty. So, what do you do when someone doesn't uphold a duty? You take something away, or take disciplinary action. I feel like a fucking parent when I talk about that, for shit's sake...and I don't want to. Yet, she's leaving me little room to move otherwise. Why does she make things harder and harder? Things would go by much more smoothly if she just fessed up and told the fucking truth for once; and to my FACE for a change. Yet, I don't see that happening anytime soon.
I've come up with a plan of action. I will personally pick up the bill, or the phone, depending on what turns out; and I will see what happens there. My hope is that she's more genuine than I feel she is now. After all, we hardly know each other in person. It's a sad reality that I'd really like to change, but unfortunately enough, she gives me few indications that she'd like us to really get to know each other...especially lately.
I don't feel there is a good excuse for this shit anymore. I will talk to her in the morning, and if she doesn't cooperate, I'll just be on my way to pick up what needs picking up. Fuck, through my work, I even got her a large supply of diapers, and even with all that she shoves all of the sincerity and respect she repeatedly asserts she has for me (whenever I express concern over the legitimacy of our 'friendship', that is), that seems like an insult. Does she really give a shit? She has certainly given no indication of it, at least directly. Perhaps she's subtle about this, and probably for a reason. This is why I feel that everything is centered on the cell phone now...
Well, that wraps this note up pretty much. I'm hoping that I am wrong about her, but fuck, she's not giving me any other indication. To imagine her as being able to use someone, especially someone like me when I've been there for her (however much so as I could, anyway), is something I want to avoid. But for goodness sake, she's not giving me that chance! I've opened myself up to her, I've done things for her most friends wouldn't even do (nothing insidious, mind you), hell, I've even gone out of my way in whatever way possible to show her that I think she's worth a damn. But she doesn't really have anything to show for it. I really do hope that, if this isn't even a friendship at all, that she DID NOT predict what would happen when approaching this cell phone with that attitude; if she were to have done so, she'd be such a fool that I could barely respect her as a result. Why the fuck would she get in on a cell phone plan with me if it wasn't a friendship? Surely she'd see a sudden end to all of the good things she's getting if she was just using me for the cell phone. If that's exactly how it is, then I feel sorry for her.
Anyway, good night. I don't want to drag anyone down, but I need to get some of this shit off my chest.
Peace,
Grizz
