Cowabunga, said no Megan Fox ever.
Once mired by idiotic announcements that the film would be about alien, mutant, ninja, turtles who happen to be teenagers (?), as well as other Michael Bay hokum, people were worried for a while that this would be a complete flop of a movie. So Michael relented, sobered up just long enough to change his mind, and we then got this product. I won't lie; this film isn't Oscar material, but it does what it's supposed to. At least in most cases it does.
So the film follows our gang, after something like twenty-five minutes of poorly-acted April O'Neil thanks to the latent (still) talents of Megan Fox. A wasted opportunity Shredder and his boring-as-hell Foot clan are the bad guys. April O'Neil Megan Fox is connected to everybody in this universe, too, because Bay had to suck up to Fox in some way or another I guess. On another note, Fox apparently likes, or liked the comics so that had to mean she was going to do a stellar job, right? Well, if you didn't find some of her scenes in the first twenty or so minutes cringe-worthy then you might find the rest of the movie watchable since her role diminishes a little. Otherwise, I've warned you of what you're getting into. There's a reason I called this "Teenage Mutant Megan Fox" and that's because this film centers almost entirely around her.
Our heroes are treated exactly like the Transformers, which so happens to be another property that Michael Bay wanted to bless with his cerebral brand of film-making (I hope the sarcasm was obvious). They don't appear in full until around 25 or so minutes into the movie. And by the time they do appear it's revealed (in typical Bay fashion) that they're loud, superhumanly strong (I'll get to that in a bit), and make for ample opportunities of copious amounts of explosions. The latter point is Michael Bay 101 so given that he's the producer of this movie, you had to see it coming.
If this outing gets one thing right, it's the action. Future installment flaws aside (thanks to the aforementioned superhuman strength the turtles now possess), you can't pretend this movie isn't fun in any way. Incessant, freakishly annoying shaky cams aside, it's a blast watching them swing and kick, slice n' dice through The Foot, even if the Foot in this movie consists entirely of gun-toting goofballs who don't stand a chance against our heroes at all. The final fight scene in particular takes the cake, and let's not forget the Splinter vs. Shredder melee earlier on, the former of whom manages to hold his own against the antagonist for a few minutes before getting beaten. Keep in mind that the Shredder is utilizing a strength-enhancing suit of power armour, which was obviously the only way he could stand a chance against the turtles. Of course, while all that fun stuff happens, ordinary humans like April and what's his name, the guy who objectifies her every five seconds, can't even give us anything like the spectacle of the turtles because they're lame human beings with no superhuman strength to speak of.
That's roughly all the film actually gets right. The backstories are all fine enough, but it's the way it's executed that leaves some things to be desired. For one, April is at the center of fucking everything in this movie. She owned all the turtles AND Splinter as pets as a child; HER dad inadvertently performed experiments on them, not knowing they were for a sinister purpose (apparently carrying out a plan that was a ripoff of the first Amazing Spider-Man film which in this movie universe took at least a dozen years to execute); SHE has a connection to Eric Sachs/Sacks, one of the brains behind the evil plot of the movie; SHE put them in the sewers of New York (why?); SHE unites the turtles to fight a greater enemy; SHE manages to deliver the killing/defeating blow on the Shredder. That's not covering all the damn screen time she gets. Was Megan Fox really that damn attractive? I guess so!
That's not all of it, either. It's hard to discern whether this film is truly for kids or for youth, or adults, or god knows who because of the rampant sexual innuendo and imagery. We're not talking nudity here, but objectification (not to come across as a self-righteous type but it's quite blatant in this movie) of mainly Megan Fox. She's trying to do her part in the mountain scene? Let's focus on her ass hanging on the passenger window! Michaelangelo first meets O'Neil? Come across as a stalker type and drop highly-suggestive sexual innuendos, which, given the character's species and their 'assets', comes across as REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. O'Neil's reporter partner drops half-wit come-ons every chance he gets. Her first on-screen reporting immediately earns her comments about her boobs. Nobody takes her seriously, professionally OR personally, which includes the likes of a washed-up Whoopie Goldberg for crying out loud. So, why are we supposed to?
And then there's a scene where the turtles return home after having met Meg-- er April O'Neil in the flesh, only for them to be caught by Splinter having disobeyed an order. They are instructed to perform odd feats of endurance while Splinter teases them with...Pizza Hut. The entire scene would be right at home in the commercial segments of cable television, not in a god damn movie. It's such invasive advertising that I was taken aback by the audacity of it all. There's subtlety and then there's TMNT, in which shitty brands of greasy pizza made with no love & care gets advertised as if everyone involved depended on the act for dear life. I can handle subtle product placement in small doses, but such flagrant commercialism is absolutely toxic to children who most certainly do watch movies like this, and most of all it is truly off-putting as it brings you back to shitty reality where pizzas like this exist.
You really do have to turn off your brain if you want this movie to work. And that's how it managed to succeed. The movie would have fared a tiny bit better had the cameras not been handled in such an inept fashion, thanks to non-stop shaky cams. And the turtles look fucking scary, and their persons are crowded with all kinds of crap that does nothing for them as characters. Oh and a little less Megan Fox would not have hurt, either.
In speaking of characters, namely that of the eponymous turtles, they barely have any. Michaelangelo so far is the only one of them to have developed a character, with Donatello coming in a moderate second. We see Leo & Raph bickering with one another but speaking for myself, I don't feel it. Really it seems to be that the only character traits that even survived in this version is what role each turtle serves for the group. Yet in that regard this film is extremely late to the party anyway. As the turtles are trying to save the day they all confess things to one another, with Raph going on a bender about how in spite of his fighting with them all (kind of a lost cause as it was poorly developed in the movie), it's all because he feels weak compared to the rest of them. Then all of that is played for laughs almost immediately.
Splinter probably gets the most character development of our mutant heroes, and he kind of kicks the most ass. He takes on the Shredder all by himself, and holds his own for a short period; he's the nucleus of the group; he's played by Tony Shalhoub. Oh and he has a really bizarre looking rat-stache.
There aren't as many explosions as you may think, considering this is a Michael Bay production through & through. But like any Bay film there are a host of puerile jokes to be heard, even a racist one here and there. In one scene, the turtles are returning to their sewer hideout in the most physics-defying way seen in films in a long time, and they all dive at the same time into a hole. You guessed it if you know what happens as a result but what really nails it is the oncoming fart joke. Yep, that should please the kids plenty for this one.
I think the real deal breaker for me here is that this film doesn't have a strong identity of its own. Yeah it's certainly the most kinetic and the shiniest Turtles property to date, but on its own it is at best a mediocre effort. All that saves it are the action scenes and even they pose problems because in this new continuity there are few characters who can stand toe to toe with the turtles because of their inexplicable super-human strength. Karai shows up in the movie, and in retrospect I have no idea why as she's not a physical match for the turtles at all. Shredder had to don a suit of power armour to take them on, and because it's likely been destroyed as of his defeat, he might have to mutate himself in order to pose a threat again. And then there's the Foot, who all kept shooting at the turtles' bulletproof bodies even though it was obviously futile, and otherwise had no fighting skill at all.
A sequel is underway, probably coming out for mid-Spring, and it is apparent that a few noisy complaints have been addressed. The turtles, for instance, won't be so over-detailed and thus, hideous. The Foot clan will be ninjas again. And Casey Jones makes an appearance. On the other hand, Tyler Perry will be one of the villains and we all know how much regard he has for this medium (he has none at all).
C
The Good:
+ The action is fun.
+ Didn't end up the way Michael Bay originally intended.
+ Splinter (at first) hands Shredder his ass. Alone.
+ It ends.
+ The sequel is fixing some of the glaring issues with this film.
+ The elevator scene reminds us why the turtles are appealing in the first place.
The Bad:
- The Shredder isn't well played. He also NEEDS power amour to fight the turtles
- Why is Kirai even in the movie? She can't do anything except shout.
- The Foot are just gun-toting idiots.
- Rips off The Amazing Spider-Man entirely with the endgame scenario.
- That Pizza Hut endorsement.
- Sometimes nauseating shaky cam. Enough with this garbage!
- Is it for kids? Adults? Teenagers? Perverted old men? I am leaning towards the latter.
- Megan Fox still can't act.
- The turtles have superhuman strength, which seemed to replace their ninja fighting skills.
- The turtles look fucking scary.
- Megan Fox, or April O'Neil as we have to call her, is the center of the universe.
- Takes 25 minutes for us to finally see the turtles.
- VERY little character development, and the turtles are reduced to just archetypes.
You really do have to turn off your brain if you want this movie to work. And that's how it managed to succeed. The movie would have fared a tiny bit better had the cameras not been handled in such an inept fashion, thanks to non-stop shaky cams. And the turtles look fucking scary, and their persons are crowded with all kinds of crap that does nothing for them as characters. Oh and a little less Megan Fox would not have hurt, either.
In speaking of characters, namely that of the eponymous turtles, they barely have any. Michaelangelo so far is the only one of them to have developed a character, with Donatello coming in a moderate second. We see Leo & Raph bickering with one another but speaking for myself, I don't feel it. Really it seems to be that the only character traits that even survived in this version is what role each turtle serves for the group. Yet in that regard this film is extremely late to the party anyway. As the turtles are trying to save the day they all confess things to one another, with Raph going on a bender about how in spite of his fighting with them all (kind of a lost cause as it was poorly developed in the movie), it's all because he feels weak compared to the rest of them. Then all of that is played for laughs almost immediately.
Splinter probably gets the most character development of our mutant heroes, and he kind of kicks the most ass. He takes on the Shredder all by himself, and holds his own for a short period; he's the nucleus of the group; he's played by Tony Shalhoub. Oh and he has a really bizarre looking rat-stache.
There aren't as many explosions as you may think, considering this is a Michael Bay production through & through. But like any Bay film there are a host of puerile jokes to be heard, even a racist one here and there. In one scene, the turtles are returning to their sewer hideout in the most physics-defying way seen in films in a long time, and they all dive at the same time into a hole. You guessed it if you know what happens as a result but what really nails it is the oncoming fart joke. Yep, that should please the kids plenty for this one.
I think the real deal breaker for me here is that this film doesn't have a strong identity of its own. Yeah it's certainly the most kinetic and the shiniest Turtles property to date, but on its own it is at best a mediocre effort. All that saves it are the action scenes and even they pose problems because in this new continuity there are few characters who can stand toe to toe with the turtles because of their inexplicable super-human strength. Karai shows up in the movie, and in retrospect I have no idea why as she's not a physical match for the turtles at all. Shredder had to don a suit of power armour to take them on, and because it's likely been destroyed as of his defeat, he might have to mutate himself in order to pose a threat again. And then there's the Foot, who all kept shooting at the turtles' bulletproof bodies even though it was obviously futile, and otherwise had no fighting skill at all.
A sequel is underway, probably coming out for mid-Spring, and it is apparent that a few noisy complaints have been addressed. The turtles, for instance, won't be so over-detailed and thus, hideous. The Foot clan will be ninjas again. And Casey Jones makes an appearance. On the other hand, Tyler Perry will be one of the villains and we all know how much regard he has for this medium (he has none at all).
C
The Good:
+ The action is fun.
+ Didn't end up the way Michael Bay originally intended.
+ Splinter (at first) hands Shredder his ass. Alone.
+ It ends.
+ The sequel is fixing some of the glaring issues with this film.
+ The elevator scene reminds us why the turtles are appealing in the first place.
The Bad:
- The Shredder isn't well played. He also NEEDS power amour to fight the turtles
- Why is Kirai even in the movie? She can't do anything except shout.
- The Foot are just gun-toting idiots.
- Rips off The Amazing Spider-Man entirely with the endgame scenario.
- That Pizza Hut endorsement.
- Sometimes nauseating shaky cam. Enough with this garbage!
- Is it for kids? Adults? Teenagers? Perverted old men? I am leaning towards the latter.
- Megan Fox still can't act.
- The turtles have superhuman strength, which seemed to replace their ninja fighting skills.
- The turtles look fucking scary.
- Megan Fox, or April O'Neil as we have to call her, is the center of the universe.
- Takes 25 minutes for us to finally see the turtles.
- VERY little character development, and the turtles are reduced to just archetypes.
