Me and "Your's Truly" have, for now anyway, gone our separate ways. It's not that we are completely cutting each other off, but since there has been a buildup of tension between us, and it reached a peak this past Wednesday, it was just too much for either of us to handle. Distance was necessary, and it has since been applied. But it is not without difficulties. It's very hard for me to deal with at the time as I can't stop thinking about her, and the possibilities that I felt lay before us as friends or more.
Again, we aren't completely cutting each other off, it's just a necessary break. She's not ready for what I have to give to her, which is everything. I have been honest with her, nice to her, even loving to her, and she's just not ready for it. Also, our friendship was very much a give & take thing, with me as the giver. I wanted something more than she wanted at the time, and I'm sure that's still how she is even a mere couple of days after we decided to take some time away from one another. She's gone through a lot in the past couple years, especially in the last year...and quite especially in the past couple of months. From being treated like absolute garbage by her ex (whom is still very much a part of her life, and whom I suspect is trying to go back to where they were before the breakup, which would be BAD), to having to take care of a child that she had with the same ex, and having a harsh realization that with the few things she has in her name, she has to work so very hard to get things on the right track for not only herself, but her daughter. I guess I saw that and I did do what I could to make her happy, by giving to her so much.
Yet there's one thing that I feel we have a misunderstanding on, and she kind of admitted the lack of understanding on her part the day we decided to take some time away from one another. I wanted to make things better, at least for myself, so I can see our friendship in a different, healthier way. So I felt that to reason with her and be honest with her by sitting down and having a heartfelt talk with her was perhaps the best way to do it. I came to that decision after asking her this at first, and seeing her two Saturdays ago. We sat down, and I was very much eager to honestly reveal my feelings, and clear some tension between us. However, it's either that she manipulated the situation, or perhaps a clear indication of where either of us stand in our reciprocation of feelings for whatever we had, in that she did most of the talking. And it was about things that were on her mind, rather than my own. I'm not being selfish in saying I wish that I could've done the talking, but the point of me seeing her was to get things off my chest and hopefully alleviate any tension that was going on between us.
Alas, I had my first psychology session today. It was insightful even on the first session, which I guess goes to show you that therapy can actually help, if you want it to. I do want it to help of course, so I was optimistic in going about the session. Some things I've learned were things like, perhaps "Your's Truly" needs to do some soul searching of her own. Also, that in her confusion and grieving after having left a fairly long and abusive relationship, she could truly find something that makes her feel better about herself, and where she gets over the incidents she endured with her ex. It's easy for anyone else to say, but the best thing she should do for herself is to cut her ex out of the picture completely, even when the child she had is his as well. The man is just not capable of taking care of his own child. Indeed, there are a fair share of biological fathers who have pretty much nothing to do with their own blood children, at least for some time in their life. Often when that happens, the circumstances leading to the estrangement of the father and child(ren) were for a good reason. Better to give the child a positive growing environment than otherwise. I know from what "Your's Truly" has told me about him that he definitely was not a positive influence.
Anyway, the psychologist recommended a book for me and "Your's Truly" to read, "In The Meantime." It's a book about accepting that love does not come easy, and that if someone you hold feelings for is not emotionally ready to embrace another relationship, it's wise to let that person grow enough to be able to do so. I haven't started it yet, but I will soon. I think it'll really help give me insight on how I can feel and grow when it comes to "Your's Truly", and to accept that the distance between us is a necessary challenge between us. Also, I feel she could benefit from reading the book as well, even though I haven't even read it myself. I know the premise of the book, though, and I know she would gain some good insight on how to deal with her own issues when it comes to the relationship she left from just over a month ago.
It was way too soon to even try going far with "Your's Truly", but even though my rational, conscious mind knew that, the deeper recesses of my mind wanted to try to have something special with her, too soon I must say. I never meant to apply emotional pressure on her in any form, but some of my emotions controlled my actions, and it has basically led to this development. I've given my all to her, but she was not ready to give back. And in those times I gave my all and did not see any reciprocation, rather than accepting that perhaps she is not ready to dedicate herself to me or someone like me, I thought that she had rejected me or manipulated me. That's one of the worries I had for so long that led to the snowball effect that built up so much tension in me. I do know she never meant to hurt me, nor did she have any bad intentions. She's just not in the state of thinking and emotional well-being to be all that she could've been.
Anyway, tomorrow, I am getting the cell phone back from her mom. I might also get the money that she owes the same day. But alas, what I am actually looking forward to is talking to her mom, with whom I am on good pages with. I know that her mom trusts me and that's all a caring guy could do, especially the mother of the girl he feels such fondness for. "Your's Truly" unfortunately did not give me the chance to say what I want to say, let alone the new things that have developed in the past several days, so I felt that maybe telling her mom would be just as good (even though her mom is not the person I feel so fond for :P). In a way, I feel that saying some things to "Your's Truly" would be a huge positive step in my therapy to cope with situations like this in the future (especially if her and I have a fresh new start sometime in the near future). However, if she wouldn't be able to do it, I'd accept that. There's just too much on her mind and on her plate to do something like this.
Well, that's a long journal I guess. In my stress, I think I have gotten a sort of canker sore, which sucks because I can feel it constantly. But things should get better. My next session is on the 31st of this month. That feels distant from today but I'm going to try to fill the time with something that makes me happy. And I also hope that "Your's Truly" does the same. All I want for her is the best, happiness, and well-being. And I know that she knows this is all I wanted for her. Perhaps she is thinking about it now, but I dunno, nor should I think about it.
Anyway, peace out
Grizz
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